Where in the world is my pencil?

It's been many a days since I last sat down with keyboard and my thoughts....I had wanted to write, there's been so much going on, but at times, the time just didn't make it possible. I mean, i had to find time to sleep, right?

There's much to record. First, I made the quick, split-second decision to start taking graduate courses in September. As of today, I am not quite sure if that was the best decision for me, but I will say the journey has been ridiculously enlightening. I had to make these whole new group of decisions on my own, with very little input from others for guidance. I didn't like that very much. I realized that I don't have a supportive group around me to bounce ideas off of. It reminds me of being little and having no one to talk to and no one to play with. I usually play off these thoughts and never share with anyone - so no one has a clue. But I always know that I can write them here and at least for a few posts, they'll make sense to me. The classes I chose are the typical introductory classes. Learning of this and foundations of that. What made it challenging was understanding how I can learn and what I need to do to get work done. This, was the biggest obstacle, I feel of them all. Somehow I found myself ::stressing:: out so badly to write my first paper (in years) that I must've stayed up all night feeling inadequate and wondering how I was never taught how to do this and feeling how big of a failure I am for even trying to attempt this huge feat.

Those were pretty low days. Which followed other low days of reading and not understanding what the heck I was reading! Here I'm thinking it's something to do with my un-officially-diagnosed-but-tested-but-not-by-a-psychologist learning disability, luckily for my sanity, it really was the course work. :) Yeah, I felt some huge camaraderie when one day I initiated a conversation with classmates (no one ever talked before class) and turns out the entire class felt more unified in those first few minutes than when we first started! Since then, the camaraderie has turned into commiserating and we all keep our wits about us when we can interject a few quibs here and there or else we all may just go bat crazy.

Months later, I am now finding myself with a mere 3 classes left for the fall semester and wondering how I will ever survive writing 4 1/2 papers before the 20th. I have considered getting a plaque engraved for the desk and chair which I claim at the library a few towns over. They must start feeling sorry for me seeing how they see me so often. I think there may be a "no food" policy, but I broke it when I came in with a huge salad and spread out it's splendor for 5 1/2 hours since I didn't want to leave and lose my spot.

Yes these are the things that I go though. How's your week been, bloggerinos?

ND: What writing papers has done to me

An Original verse.....

A pencil a pen and a highlighter are talking in a drawer. The pencil says I hope my lead is good enough to finish I’d hate to disappoint. Nah the pen says, you’re all right. The highlighter says I can’t want to see my way and mark it all over from top to bottom. You should be fine, the pen says. Well what about you, the pencil asks the pen. Well, considering that I’m always lost when someone needs me, when they do put their grip on me and find me, I usually just drip all over their hands. -

And the wind has it by a nose

It's sunny out today and I didn't have any hopes to leave the house. Not due to lack of energy but mainly due to being tired and needing a few hours to decompress. I didn't make the trek to the campus library today hence the fact that I still have my pajamas on. Oh well, maybe I really need the day.

I'm looking forward to seeing my really great bestest friend mon A.mie. I'm super excited about it. I haven't seen her in at least 5 years or so. We met overseas in France, while studying abroad, and now she's is living on my coast and I'm really happy about our reunion. It should be good.

Today's realization

Firstly as I await a meeting with my school's librarian I have become to realize quite a few things about myself, the world, the youth of america, my fellow students and nature. (I know it seems like quite a lot for a short period of time but I figure well, why not think about substantial things instead of hohum redundant things like poor programming and ridiculous name calling...) Anyways in brief, below are the realizations in no particular order/

-while I drive, I often think of my mother. My thoughts stream of her while happy, cooking, discussing an important topic and stressing how important school and education is (specifically from Ms/HS/college)

-today's youth I feel have fallen into the grips of social media as if oxygen is being depleted on our planet. More traditional means of communication are lacking and this is in part as to why many areas of our society are "out of sync" or "lacking in morals. ethics. etc"

-somewhere, somehow ppl are becoming worse drivers. now I know what you're thinking, but maybe car crashes are down. that's the safety features and the increase of enhanced technologies in our motor vehicles, it makes henry ford proud. which then leads to....

- why are we so distracted these days? i mean aside from the apps, social programs, the updates and tweets and the statuses and poking and messaging that we encounter every nanosecond i often wonder, have we forgotten what it's like to look up? check out the clouds rolling by. see the leaves changing colors. the birds migrating south. the winds becoming crisper on our skin.


again.....it's just a thought.
have you had an original, uninterrupted one lately?

And on the Sabboth...

I resorted to be a couch potato, if only, for a split second. Okay, more like a day, but man, I enjoyed it. I watched some football and saw some of my favorite shows on tv and became one with the pizza I was eating. It was a nice day. :)

Knit 2 Sushi 1

Today I will have to consider a brain dead day. I'm not sure why considering I have so many things to do. Schoolwork mainly being one of them. I actually spent the day on the couch just me and my dysfunctional laptop. I so can't wait to I can buy a new one. Maybe one day. Right.

I really did though, spend the day watching news, watching crap tv and basically vegging out. I really shouldn't have. I should have been reading. But I didn't. I'll regret that later I'm sure.

I did have plans to meet up one of my knitting groups. I had a longstanding "we wanna go for sushi one day" agreements with one of my knitting friends. So we tried to meet up earlier but as my luck would have it, it's a long holiday weekend and apparently here, everyone was going somewhere RIGHT as I was trying to get some dinner. Oh well. Sushi ran late and I went to check in at the place to see if others had shown up. Luckily no one had so then I hopped into a Party City. I never shop there I didn't even know what to expect, but it's completely covered in Halloween stuff so it was almost a turn off. I browsed through anyways.

I got a call from a friend back home about going to a Halloween party. It got me thinking about a costumer, but I'm not committing to anything yet. I just can't.

Ideas for costumes:
Linda Richman from SNL
A creepy fortune teller
an Elf

Neck deep in diagnoses

I hitched a ride today to My School via someone who was going to Big University which was down the street. I felt lucky because I really didn't feel like driving two days in a row. I made the trek to the library again and had some luck and found a computer. I got into researching the 4 papers I have to write for this one class. I luckily don't have a due date for them but I am not about to wait until the last week of the semester to hand this suckers in. That'll ruin Christmas for sure and who wants that?

I tried to keep on the reading but frequently lost my spot and couldn't recall what I had just read. I found out in 2007, after heeding a suggestion from the Dir. of Disabilities at that Other School, I got tested for a learning disability (LD). Turns out I have all the indicators of Central Auditory Processing Disorder or CAPD or APD for short. When I had heard and read about my results, I remember vividly that I cried and sobbed and instantly felt a weight come off my shoulders. For years, I was carrying around this burden that I wasn't smart enough and would just not do my best at my school work. This added pressure come directly from my mother who for years blamed my lack of attention and distraction via the tv, friends, boys and other extra curriculars as my downfall to my academics. I'll touch upon this again on another day....

So I'm researching topics for the papers that I have to write. I have 4 papers for one class and an ongoing paper that is due every 2 wks for another class. This last one, is the one that freaks me out the most because of the structure and requirements of the paper. Most of the time it's such a vague description of what is asked/needed that I get lost. Thank god for my trusty digital recorder or else I'd be up Shittawasa's creek. Anyways when I started revisiting what I had printed and what my topics were to be...I realize, my printed articles have nothing to do with the topic. Oh fun! Hooray! *rolls eyes deep exhale schlump in seat* Thank goodness I had a chunk amount of time in the library and was able to find a place to read or else I'd need that paddle.

Funny realization:
Students here are friendly, I will say that, however, they do react funny when seeing paraphenalia that is not accustomed here. Example: say another college's sweatshirt, or a greek organization (frat or sorority), or sports team not from the region (like a Vikings jersey when you're in Boston, etc). It's the I'm not trying to stare but I so am because we are HERE and follow THIS and clearly not what you have on! Stranger! lol...

Last night I went to one of my knitting groups. I had fun. There are some nice ppl who are in this group. We are working on making baby hats for premature babies. I do enjoy doing philanthropic things. Making these baby hats are great. It's a super simple pattern that someone found and it allows me to use up some yarn that I won't use up. So it's a win win. I made 6. :) I'm sure I'll make more in the upcoming months. We're also going to make scarves for the Special Olympics. That yarn I'm not too fond of, but I'm sure I'll do my 3 scarves for that as well. I have to double check on the colors. I was told that it was some blue color with red. *scrunches face* Really? Well, I'll have to check into that one just to be sure.

Today I drove to school to get some research done on my papers that are due. Mainly for my other teacher Teacher E. Nergy. I enjoy his class and realize that I have experienced a lot of what he is teaching from a real world job I had working at a deaf school.

I went hunting for an empty classroom in this one building on campus. I realize that I work so much better with a huge table where I can spread out and really work and block out everything. It's nice. It's like my own little office. This time of day though (like around 445pm) there are a bunch of night classes going on and unfortunately since I didn't know if the classroom I was occupying was going to be used, I really tried to make the best of the time I had and concentrated. Which is when I realized....the articles I found I couldn't use. Made no sense. *sigh* Fine. I made my way to the library.

It's the newest building on campus. Opened in 2009. It's very nice and has nice computer labs on the main floor. I was lucky at the time I came in because apparently the resident students hadn't made it to the labs yet. I grabbed an imac and set up my little nook of studying and research. I don't usually work with my ipod on but I did this time just to drown out the other conversations and such that were happening around me. I need it to be completely quiet and I knew that this wasn't going to happen now. Anyways I was flipping and reading through prognoses and therapies and studies...when I see a guy sit down within my eyeline say....2 o'clock from where I am sitting. He was very attractive. Like wow you're a cutie. I stink at making eye contact but realize that he was checking ME out. There was a girl in front of me, and a girl next to her (1 o'clock) and then he. But since we face each other I thought for sure that 1 o'clock girl thought I was checking her out but sadly I wasn't. She isn't my type. There was something about her fake smile that made her uglier to me, and that completely turned me off to her. As for him, he totally was turning his head. I loved it. I smiled and realized that I hadn't flirted in ages with someone, but I was feeling completely taken by him. This went on I would say, for a better part of an hour. I know, a full 60 minutes! He then got up to leave, which was funny becuase I had wanted to leave by a certain time as well (it was 8pm) and so I started packing up and shutting down the computer. He saw and slowed down his process, which meant I sped mine up!

I must tell you that this fairytale romance ended suddenly, because as soon as I got out, he was no where to be seen. My guess is that he wandered over to his residence hall room and had naughty dreams about the one that caught his attention and slipped out the library door.

*sigh* I will see you again Computer lab cutie. When that moment comes, I'll be just as surprised as you are. This lab is open 24hrs....I'm sure I'll spy you at one time or another.

To breathe a sigh of relief....

I waited about 10 agonizing minutes when I got my paper last night at class. After stressing out, losing sleep, staying up until 3am the day before, looking up websites to help me write a paper, trying write out all my thoughts on paper and then typing them into Word. It works for me, as it turns out to do this process. I never realized it before but it did this time around. Then for the past week or so I've been having printing issues at home with the laser printer. It was fixed the night before. I printed a a things and thought all was well. Karmically speaking, of course. I finish typing my paper around 230 pm. I race to print around 235 to 245pm. There is a horrid error on the machine. With no progress. I literally jump in and out of the shower and toss everything into my car and race to school. It's about an hour's drive give or take traffic and this day I barely remember how I made it though without getting into an accident. I get to the library and see a classmate who is also printing. Luckily, I had emailed it to myself as well as save it on a stick but email was super fast for me on this occassion. I open, print and exhale finally about 5 to 5. On my race walk over I realize that the pdf format neglects my page numbers but at this point I didn't care, I'll redo it when I hand it in again in a week or so. *shrugs*

Of course, we are required to print out the information we need before class. Ha, I laugh internally. What a joke today is. I couldn't win but I didn't care because I got my paper done and I'm sure there are parts of it that are good right?

Fast forward to me flipping through the pages about to check out my grade.....
I was getting that sickly feeling in my stomach where I know that I failed and have to just suck it up and deal and make something better the next time around....when I see nothing but check marks all over my text. Then on the scoring rubric....I see a 20. No way. I got an A!?! Hooray for me!

Then.
My Balloon deflates.

Teacher A. Mbiguous says that she thought all the papers were good and that she enjoyed reading them. However she then adds that she had graded them leniently and that the next time she would not be so lenient. She also said that we still need to follow the rubric and be sure that we cover all the information there.

So what you're trying to say Teacher A.Mbigous is that I really didn't get an A afterall??
Huh? *scratch head and have puzzled face*

Either way. I'm going to enjoy this moment for a little while longer. At least until the next paper is due.

The maundays

Today is the longest day of the week. Not because it's the first day, but because it's the day I drive to school for my 2 back to back night classes. That's not the hard part. The hard part is the drive. Not that I hate to drive, because I don't. I just don't like these regional drivers. I'd much rather be driving somewhere else with more lanes. lol.

I do like my 2 classes. I since I am shy, I am realizing that I myself, am changing. I am changing the way I approach people. How I talk to them. Heck, how I even sing in my car. I'm not sure if it's because I'm trying to regain control or comfort in my life or trying to feel comfortable in this new environment but I realize that my perspectives are changing and getting more insight in how I feel about things. How I feel about myself. How I feel about the world. How I feel about what has happened to me. Although I feel that I deserve more (out of this life) I feel that I still have to find the way(or ways) to get to the point that I will feel "like myself".

Back to school. I think I can do school. However, I feel that it will be so incredibly difficult I don't think I will be good at it. That is not to say that I'm selling myself short but that I know how hard it will be for me and how hard I will have to work just to keep up with the others who I know will do better. Not that I care about the others, b/c I don't, but that I care about making sure that I don't get involved in this potential career and realize that it was such a waste of time. Think round peg square hole. I feel sometimes that my whole life was like this.

Tis the season for .....

It's Sunday. Just a few minutes before 1pm. Football game w/ Steelers v Ravens. I'm actually in the mood to watch a good game today. Tonight of course is The Amazing Race. I'm not even going to talk about what a big fan I am of this show.

It's gorgeous out. The sky is so blue. It's that fall blue, you know? The sun is shining and there's a great brisk breeze out. Therefore, all the windows are wide open and it feels great.

I did think about my parents today. I mean I think about them every day, but today I actually allowed myself to tear up and cry a little bit when I got to thinking about the weather and then the holidays and then family friends and I got to recalling such fun memories with everyone and wondering where they all are. I realize that it's up to me in this near future to reach out to all of them and write to them and to tell them that I miss and love them all very much. I feel that my recent journey and losing my parents have made me feel as if I have to tell them how much they mean to me, because if I don't, they will never know. I really need to do that soon. I'd like to get cards out to them soon especially for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think if I keep this up (journaling/documenting how I feel) then I'll get the nerve up to do it.

I think I want pizza for dinner. I'm in no mood to cook.

Eh

Morning is always slow for me. Today I am trying to knit and relax. I feel a cold coming on but it's actually dem Fall allergies. (Thanks again October!) But, I think I'll be okay. Today on the docket: shopping for a pillow, candles and hair stuff.

I did get a dinner out. Macaroni Grill's chicken parmigiana. Yummy.

However, I should mention that I am giving up bread and soda for this month of October.
I didn't have any at dinner but I don't normally reach for it typically, anyways. I can def keep it up.

When did it become October?

Are you kidding me? When did October sneak up on me? I barely had a chance to enjoy the sun for a second and now it's October? Wow. I never even went to the beach this summer. I did see the beach from a friends front porch but I never actually put my toes in the sand and water. It sucks.

On the up side, I have made the most urgent decision to be sure to take pictures of the glorious mountain views when the trees change. I didn't take ANY last year...in NY or here so I definitely need to make up for that.

Also, since I handed in my first paper on Monday I've been recuperating all week. Which means, I'm off to school today to get some reading done. We'll see how well that works.

30 days of insight

I decided that this month I would forcibly put down the thoughts that rolls around in my brain. I think about things while in the car, eating, watching tv, surfing the net, knitting, gardening, showering.....you get the idea. I haven't figured out why exactly I never jotted stuff down.....so here's the answer to that.

Oh October, what will you bring me?

Money Misgivings

I was asleep. I was dreaming about how I will be able to make ends meet. I was trying to juggle cc statements and bills and I can recall there being a large purchase that was just made that I was responsible for. My parents were alive and the purchase was for an event or for a show of some sort. I remember feeling absolutely awful because I wasn't able to be home to open my mail and sort things out. Items strewed around the house were in disarray and my mother was trying her best to help out. She had opened my mail. She came to me with a familiar face and began asking me questions about how I was money strapped and if I was able to make payments for the bills that I had. This conversation of course was in Spanish so I could instantly tell her intonation and concern (anger) in her words. I confessed and told her I was worried. I began to cry because I didn't know what to do and I had no idea how/when I'd be able to find a job and make payments. She put her hand on my shoulder and said that it is hard but that something will work out. She just said that I have to be honest with myself and that by working hard something will eventually work out. I cried and smiled some more. She leaned in for a hug. That's when I realized I knew I was dreaming and she wasn't really there. My mother was never really a hugger. I never really felt comfortable giving her hugs until later in her life. She wasn't a cold person, she just carried a strong personality that never outwardly showed her feelings unless it was in an angry or upset way. I never understood that until the end.

While dreaming, I began to think about all the years my mother spent without her mother. No guidance to help in child rearing how she basically had to define the world for herself and settle for what it gave back to her. She worked hard but I often wonder how happy she actually was. I work up thinking I was in tears but wasn't. I woke up feeling worried and realizing that I was in that exact stage with no idea what to do.

Another 5k

So tomorrow I have planned to do another race. Yes, it's for a great cause and yes, I will get my lazy bum out of bed for it. It's early, 7:15am registration and per usual, since I find these races out late, I'll be paying more. It's ok, I've already decided since it's all for a good cause, it's worth it. I'm just trying to write it down here, just so that if by 11pm tonight I feel like ditching at the last minute, I'll see this and remember that I have to do it.

It's similar to Marty McFly and Back to the Future II when he had to get his mom off of him and back to his dad or else he and his siblings wouldn't exist, etc.

Random thinking yes, but it made sense to me.

The Price is Right

No really. It's true. I can't seem to not like, The Price is Right. I've tried. Lord knows I've had. It's almost like withdrawl. I don't know maybe it's deeper than that. I mean, what other tv game show can bring out such pure fun!?
(Ok fine. Yes the "Whammys" are fun on Press your Luck but as much as we think they are cool, we HATE them because they take our money and prizes away!)

I mean aside from the fact that it's a day-time game show shot in California, people line up the night before outside the studio to have a chance to get a numbered bracelet to even get IN to the studio! THEN, they file in and sit and hope to be chosen for about 6 pricing games (sometimes more) and then HOPE that they guess close to even get to play. AND THEN if you still have nails left, pray that you don't mess up on national television!

It's great! I love it. I love shouting out at the TV and tell them that a 6 pack of juice is less than a 5 pack of vaccuum bags.

C'mon it's pure fun. Don't knock it until you've sat through one. You'll be hooked or better yet, be saying that you could've figured it out before the contestant. Ha.

Discovery Health - maternity ward

Waking up this morning, I channel surfed to Discovery Health and a show about mother about to give birth. I had found it interesting as it was focusing all different types of high risk pregnancies from young mothers to babies born with some sort of medical emergency. So very interesting. I never usually get caught up in shows like these. A- because it reminds me how I'm so alone in this world when it comes to this topic and B- it makes me appreciate my future choice of motherhood that much more.

A particular story did touch me. It was about a mother of 44, who is about to have her 2nd child 21 yrs after her first. Yes, I know. Wow. Her daughter was there, with her daughter (granddaughter), husband was unbelievably amazing and the doctor, was like no doctor I have ever encountered in my life. (It would be this demeanor that I wish I had encountered with my parents for so many occassions.) The delivery seemed to go well (tv editing, you know how it is) the husband was translating for the wife during the times that she really needed support. It was very sweet to see his calming manner and his serene touch walking his wife through every step, you would have thought they had done this just yesterday and not 21 years earlier. The nurses also were impressed with his caring of his wife and how in control and patient he was while being the support that she needed. Of course everyone was nervous, she was considered a high risk case, anything can happen.

The delivery went fine. Everyone cried. The doctor was commenting on how he couldn't imagine doing anything else, when all of a sudden the doctor congratulates the father. The father in turn speaking in his clear English with a bit of an accent says, "Life is precious and full of priceless things. This was priceless. Although I don't have much money I wanted to give you this to say thank you for what life you have given us is just priceless." Of course I'm paraphrasing what he said, but this left the doctor speechless as he received the two yellow-red mixed roses in a small bottle with water. He was trying to say thank you and just became overwhelmed and was speechless again. They show him reading a card, which I'm assuming is a thank you card to the doctor, and he says again that he was so touched....

My eyes filled with tears and it just made me happy. Terribly happy and terribly sad. I realized that I'll be alone in this journey. Kids, rearing, caring, steps, etc....and my parents won't have their hand in it.

I always mention to people, those whom I have just met, to appreciate their families, no matter the stressors or tensions, never really telling them why.

I'm thinking I should stop watching these shows while channel surfing. lol. There has to be some bad reality tv on.....somewhere.

Family Envy

Since starting this blog, I think the most remarkable and touching thing that I have found is how wonderful the stories of other people's family lives are. I mean, for me, it brings up envy and wishing that I could've had that growing up. Or have been in a nuturing environment in my formative years.

That's not to say that I was unhappy with my parents, or didn't like my experiences, because I definitely did. I just think that maybe for the longest of years, I have been searching for those rom com stories. Those adolescent moments between a mother and daughter. Or father and daughter. Where in the end there was an understanding there and love was shown.

I'm sitting here and writing and I'm filled with tears. It's not to say that I didn't like my parents because I do. It's just that unreachable wish that maybe, if not once, I could have had one thing that all those other families had. It could be small and insignificant....but it doesn't matter now.
Again, it's not to say that I don't appreciate what I have now, because I know very well that if I didn't endure what I went through, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Still, though, I look and read those blogs and smile. I smile for them but am sad.

To those families, I wish you many years of happiness and enjoy all the moments as we know they are fleeting. As for me, I will continue to read as much as I can and feel as if I could be a distant cousin in their life stories.

Sincerely,
Distant Cousin LQ twice removed

This cat and Dove

Apparently I have forgotten how much animals are attracted to so many different scents from their humans.

This cat I live with is no exception. She is not mine, but apparently every day, she vies for my affection whichever way she can.

One way which has caught my attention happens right after I take a shower. I'll sit down, she'll come over and stare at me asking me "where did I come from?" A few seconds later, since I'm not watching her, I'll feel a tickling sensation on my toes. I look down and see her not only smelling them but rubbing her face all over my feet.

At one point I thought she was into feet. A kitty with a foot fetish! But, it turns out to be that she loves the Dove soap that I use. How interesting that this feline wants to be experiencing the cool, crisp, clean scents with moisturizing beads on her fur.

I laugh at her. I can't help it, she's tickling me. She eyes me wide-eyed then runs away.

I guess the love affair is over as fast as it was started.

Who to choose?

I just came across a question that will be on my mind for a least the next few mo's (moments)...

whom do I find more attractive...Clive Owen or Gerard Butler?

It's a rather troubling decision. I mean both have accents. Both are dashingly handsome men. Both have similar eye coloring and hair. The comparison lists could go on I'm sure.

*sigh*

Maybe I'll just let this one lie a bit and ponder having them both over for tea.....

Fact

The worst thing I hate.....is being misunderstood. Not so much not comprehended, but not being able to be clear and explain myself. I'm sure that sounds utterly basic but it's a discovery that has been years and years in the making.

Story:
While growing up, I was able to express myself but only during those times that I was able to. However blurry these moments are for me now, I do remember in my pre-teen, teen years (middle school mostly) I had the ability, though shyly at times, to take to writing stories (creatively, of course) and begin to have some sort of freeing speech. A speech that allowed be to be easily understood and could be easily relayed to whomever the reader. As I was well in my teen years, still in high school, I would flourish in those moments when I would scribble down a few words and feel better. This was not journaling, this was just a form of expression.

This form of expression came out of my hard work and continuous separation of my school life and home life. This frustration, evident to only a couple of individuals, had to be as such. I kept this going for many, many years. It wasn't until a few years back (say as recent as 5 years), I had come to the realization that I have been struggling to convey what it was that I had on my mind. Struggling to have the recipient's ear understand what I had wanted to say. It was then that I discovered that I had always felt the "less smart" of my group of friends. If it was from my group of friends in high school or college, I still felt that I was unable to relay information in a conversation effectively.

Fast forward to a grad class I was taking. I was trying to have a conversation with a few classmates and it hit me. Well it was more like turning the dimmer up on a switch, that it was all finally coming together. The ability to control the numerous factoids, words, sentences and thoughts that I wanted to "spit out!" in a conversation and pace myself while speaking. I was relieved to see the expression on the recipient's face and was even more relieved when a smile was shown.

I had done it and I wasn't even sure how it happened.

I am still very hesitant about explaining myself for fears that I will not be understood. I try very hard to stay engaged in conversations and try not to bite my tongue, but when that happens I find myself unfulfilled and feeling that they should have heard what I had to say.

Recap:
Make sure when talking I am understood.
Get over the hesitation that I cannot relay what I want to say.
If frustrated, stomp feet and cry, then inhale and try again to say what was on my mind. (However mish-moshed it may sound.)
Or, blog about it. just to get it off your chest.

(fin)

Feeling healthy step by step...

Got up early this morning. Thought I'd do a race. :) A 5k race that is.

I've done 5k races in the past before for good causes: the Boy and Girls club, two for the Arthritis Foundation, for MADD, and now for Autism. Something has to be said for the motivation needed to actually dress and sign up to do one and then actually FINISH one. I have to tell you that either way, it's the accomplishment that just moves you to do more for yourself and for this world we live in.

It's a way of thinking I've always had, but didn't know that it was a plausible way of living. I mean, I was always aware of "doing good deeds" but never really thought that "I" "myself" could make any difference at all. I think my evolution and discovery into myself leads me to take action into all these ideas, events and possibilities that are possible and will happen.....

That is just as soon as I figure out what/where I want to go. In the meantime, I'll stick to accomplishing some 5ks.

Eating a good chip

Typically the potato chip can't be done wrong. I mean it's from a potato, fried, coated in oil and some salt; and for most taste buds maybe a bit of flavoring for those picky palates.

In any case, how can a chip be done wrong? How can a chip discover the injustice that is a "poor recipe?" These are the questions that often puzzle my buds when attempting to try out a new brand.

You see, while pacing through the chip aisle in the grocery store and wonder, "hmm, that's an interesting label.." Without thinking you glance and check out the A-texture, B-the particular flavorings they have available, and C-how big of a bag you want to inhale in the next few days/hours. Interestingly enough, some now have "light" and "no salt added" and "lower cholesterol" labels that just jump out at you from 5 ft away.

So you shift your weight in your stance and peer side to side as you take in again, the numerous amount of bags presented before you. Should you take the risk? How can you be sure that you will enjoy the "right" chip?

Either way, you take a risk. You grab one bag that possibly will quench the crispness that you're looking for. You pay, head home, rip open the bag, reach in for a chip, raise it up to your mouth and take your first bite.

A pause overcomes you as you wait for your taste buds to acknowledge the flavor and, and......and... it tastes like dirt. No wait, like cardboard tasting dirt. You scowl and stick your tongue out and if you're lucky spit out what is left in your mouth. For others, I'm afraid, you're tortured to ingest said foreign particles masquerading as a supposed potato chip.

With no way out, no solution, you resolve to roll up the bag and either toss it to the back of your pantry to be dealt with at a later date (preferably when it decomposes on it's own) or aim it straight for the trash can.

Sadly, you're left unsatisfied and disappointed, as you still have this yearning need for a great chip and have been deceived into buying something awful.

Chin up. Grab your keys and head back to the store. Try a different store. There's potentially a different arrangement of chips awaiting to be chosen, just wanting to make you (and your buds) happy again.

Napkin Diaries 2002

sometimes the puffy white clouds appear to be sweeter than cotton candy as my hands are sticky from the hot melting sun and i am w/o my water or my hope of finding a napkin in an auto shop

9.16.2002

Codes

I feel it's important to list these as a resource tool.

ND = Napkin Diaries, originally began back in High School when I found myself writing in margins of my notebooks. In college it had taken off to more than just the margins, I found myself writing it in my notes of class (THANKS! Econ 101). In the working world, I found myself without paper handy and just used napkins! I kept them around and added them to some writings but even after so many years, I do come across some old ones. Insightful, hilarious, observations and unspoken thoughts captured in ink.

Q: = an open question not necessarily needing an answer

A funny = typically could be confused with a joke, this used more often than not to declare the irony or thought provoking "oddities" of experiences that either just occurred or will occur.

(More to be added....)

More to the point than Twitter

Now.

The most interesting thing I am appreciating about blogging is having better outlet than Twitter could ever fill. However the disconcerting idea is that I feel that I want to write everything down that I think about throughout the day.

Example:
Jif peanut butter is better than Skippy. I've tried the organic peanut butters, however I can't let go of my hydrogenated oils and fats. It's true.

In- with both feet

There it is. I've done it.

Trust me I'm just as surprised as the next joe. More importantly, this journey will be very interesting.


And off I go....