homonyms abound.

Today.
A breakthough.
Not sure how I never let it penetrate the inner walls of myself but it worked. Somehow between the sorting and shifting of ideas, stuff, memories, things.....I got it.
It wasn't a whack in the head or a deep breath of air.
It was more a "release" and I was finally okay with it.

So it's happening. It's "in process"....the music is blaring and I'm all in.

I'm feeling very nervously excited about it. The other side should be very interesting.

the biggest part of moving on......is letting go.... 

I didn't come up with it. 

Someone else knew exactly where I was going.

Dude.

I turn away and laugh and (nervously) smile

Recently someone asked me why I don't talk about myself (what I've seen/accomplished/done, etc) with others. I took a second, hesitation was clearly on my face and responded with "because those are my experiences" and then added some rather convincing blabber about people and attention spans and quickly got the subject changed....

I exhaled, put the matter on a shelf and went on with life. Until this morning.

I was busily searching through past pictures on my various drives (vacations/sights/off road snapshots etc) and felt a pang in my side. It wasn't the traveling bug that I have been suffering from as of late. This was something else.

The best way to describe it: wanting to share but knowing that once it's out there it can't go back. Nothing's hidden when you share it. Just like when you shared a note about that person you had your eye on before the dance in middle school and hoping that they would feel the same way about you.

I've put fear aside and shared a note recently. I hope that my ridiculous blabber can distract from the nerves that really want to shine through.

Instead the pang on my side reminds me it's there...

Napkin Diaries - Chapter 3 The far off glance

Today like most days the sun was beating in through the windows of the shop. I never really tended to them, I always had the customers do what they want with them. Usually like most days, I made sure that the blinds of the window closest to her seat were partially drawn so she could stare off down the city walk watching the cars and people intertwine during their morning routines. She comes in, casually dressed; jeans, some sort of heeled boot and a colorful scarf that always seemed to grab my attention no matter how busy I was behind the bar.

When she comes in you could see the friendly expression on her face. Her smile made her eyes twinkle and she pushed her hair behind her ear when she was about to order. It was cute and it drove me crazy. She'd wait in line casually scanning the shop, never really examining who was there or what was going on, but in her own way she knew exactly who was there sharing the same space with her. She was observant and friendly but shy. The hundreds of times she made it to the counter to order I would try to attempt anything to start talking with her. Mostly to my own shyness I would just settle on talking about the day's weather. She was always obliging to engage me but man, I wanted to reach out and tuck that piece of hair behind her ear just once. She's adorable. She'd pay me and then shift down the counter and occasionally I would steal glances at her. She'd be biting her lip or scanning something on her phone which made her secretly smile. I would believe that I was the only one who was catching those private moments. No one else saw them. No one else was watching us.

"On your left," I hear from Sasha a local college freshman who has been working here for over a year. "Heading to the fridge." I turn around to my left and slam my left knee into the fridge door. I hate these mini half size fridges. This below the counter stuff is dangerous.

Bending down to rub it, Sasha whispers over to me, "Did you try to talk with her today, Will? I mean anything at all?" She's shoving cream, 2% and whipped cream cans into the fridge and meets my gaze of pain.

"Well....no. Not today." My voice trailed off and I stood up and let out a long sigh as I saw her sit facing into the sun at her usual seat enjoying the partially drawn blinds I left for her. My smile must have been noticeable as my ribs felt a poke coming from Sasha to jolt me out of my stare. "You should. You need to. At least before she sees you drooling in her direction." I shoot her a look and she shuts the fridge door and shrugs. I know she's right. I will. I just don't know when.

They say it's all in the eyes

I was scanning the room while you were sipping on your drink. I had seen you play/pat with your hair when you caught a quick glance at my lips. When you shifted in your seat I leaned forward to gauge more of your body and what you were saying to me. You smiled back when I said something sweet and it caught you off guard. There was a moment there when our conversation never stopped, I exhaled in surprise and tried to cover up my ever growing smile but you caught me with your eyes that trapped me in that moment. There I knew,  you and I were in the right place of the universe.