Reoccuring Disturbances

Apparently my subconscious is at it again.

I have very vivid and intense dreams. Most are memorable, others not so much. Some are sad or happy or sexual. Others are not. A few nights ago, I had another intense dream but it involved a very negative character from my past and I can't quite shake it. I'm not sure what it means, but I feel that soon it will make sense to me.

As most of my dreams, they are full of emotion, to a degree. They are colorful, animated (lively) and feel very real. Sometimes they involve people I know or have met. Other times it's complete strangers who I do not know in real life but in the dream, are familiar.

This particular dream. The majority of the individuals are familiar, from my life and very real. The precise situation has never occurred, and won't ever, but yet becomes plausible, where in a dream it only can be.

The premise is simple. There is an apartment or a hotel room. Many beds, say 3, and numerous friends who are all staying with me. This room is fully furnished as a typical home (including knick-knacks and posters, etc) but yet there were people sleeping on the floor and it was a party-like atmosphere.

With me in my bed, I believe I was with a partner or "friend of the moment"- this detail is of non-importance to me in the dream. Apparently I was either single or what someone I had just met. Either way, the focus was much more of who was with me (in the apartment) and who I was experiencing this with.

This dream was in first person. [Meaning I (myself) was experiencing the dream as I would life on a daily basis. At times I have dreams in third person, where I am viewing from above or from a distance (like a movie)] I had been talking with others in the room about a potential bar crawl or party that was happening somewhere else in the building. (Again I am unclear if it was a hotel or an apartment setting) However there was noise and music to be heard around me and everyone seemed to be in a festive mood and cheery. I had recently spotted out the window a crowd of people joking and laughing as they walked in the street at night and apparently were friends of mine and we shouted to each other from the window. They were coming to where I was and I would be happy to see them. Immediately I had felt a negative vibe that I did not like and was revolted by it.

I turned to view that an individual I had dated was present with me in this living space and was staying in the neighboring bed. To spare a gender description I have chosen the gender neutral name of "Taylor". Taylor had entered and had chatted with me about something, and had apparently known or just met my other friends in the apartment and seemingly, everything appeared fine. I did though feel that whenever my life crossed paths with Taylor, things just never felt right - at all. (even in this dream)

A fast sequence occurred where friends came in and out of the living space, music and drinks were had. I had met a special someone and was unavailable from time to time to mingle with friends, but I knew that since this wasn't a hosted part (again back to the hotel location) why did it matter to be a host? So I had fun. Moments sped up into hours, when I realized that the crowd gathered again and headed out and back to the street for more reverie somewhere else. I was preparing to leave with my special someone when I realize that there were friends (or at least people I knew) sleeping in sleeping bags on sofas and pillows everywhere and just chilling to some soft music. I wasn't surprised or bothered at all by the sight. Neither was my special someone as I decided to forgo leaving and just stay behind with others.

A few moments later, Taylor enters with stomping feet and arrogance in tone. Taylor enters and is shocked by the utter noise, the environment and amount of people in the area. I say, were you expecting something else. Taylor says, I was expecting something but definitely not this. Taylor too had a partner in tow. Taylor's partner didn't look too happy either. I could tell that there was something going on under that mop of hair product. A few other words were shared, unimportant, and Taylor leaves. Upon leaving, my friends laugh and say, "you dated that?" I fail to respond. A friend from across the room snorts "always a jerk" and the laughter and conversations pick up again and it's a chill environment once more.

I'm not quite sure how much later in this time sequence, that Taylor returns, and angrily enters the space, spouting at the mouth and violent. Taylor's partner is there, gathering their possessions and leaving the space. Taylor argues with someone else away from me and then turns to realize that there are people in their bed, where they were to sleep that night, angrily, Taylor leaves. The room is shocked and returns to the merriment. A few moments later Taylor returns and grabs one small last thing and says in a scornful tone, "this was such a waste of $1000 dollars" and walks out.

I, offended and not sure why, felt my stomach flip, and this is where in real life I felt my stomach flip and I felt ill at Taylor's crushing words. While in the dream I remember be taken aback by Taylor's comments but went back to my new special someone. When I awoke, in real life, I remember instantly feeling "why the heck did I just have a dream and have Taylor be in it?! Ugh." I felt dirty and used and wanted to erase that part of my great dream away but realized that there must have been a reason to it. I still can't figure that piece out.....

It's been years since I have even spoken to Taylor. I've uttered Taylor's name a few times but not of real significance. I have no feelings for Taylor. At all. I hear Taylor is married. Taylor should be Taylor to others and never cross my path again. More importantly I believe there is no significance to why Taylor appeared in my dream.

Moreover, what really should be analyzed by my inner id and ego is what is the symbolism of Taylor in this dream? It's disturbing to me that because of Taylor I have to dig deep and figure out the "why's" of my mind....but essentially I feel that maybe this is the only good thing that Taylor has ever given me -Introspection.

How Dorothy and Toto changed the world

This is a commentary not on the movie (sorry movie fans) but on a most sincere song. Now, men or women will have to admit on some level that this is a nice sweet song. I don't mean that most won't shed a tear over it, but there's something about this version that just makes me tear and think about my parents and life in general. I unfortunately can place my finger on just one feeling but it always overwhelms me and gets me missing them....

Slingshot boomerangs

Feeling invigorated by the scent of spring in the air....

Tell tale moment:
Young love never dies once you become oldER, does it? Not for me. Although french fries will always be my first love and first word, there's something that pulls you back in your mind to those first tender moments walking home from school. Or when you were note passing in class feeling exhilarated yet completely vulnerable. Where, for a teenager (or preteen) telling someone how you feel literally cripples you until you hear back or get SOME sort of answer to those four words written on that note. Maybe it was the smell of Drakkar noir in the air or your teacher's bad BO...you can't help but remember how crazy in love you were.

What's more shocking?
Years later reconnecting with someone and going through it again. Admitting after so many years that the unrequieted feelings are there. Well, as much as they can be considering a million lifetimes has passed.

Something to ponder as the flowers begin to bloom again and the snow on the tennis courts melts....

Driving at night with my pants securely on

On my way home last night, I was finally able to unwind a little on the long drive home. This is especially true since I not only cross state borders for school but also major radio markets. With that said it's amazing to be inundated with country-like stations (am not insulting the genre just not the music I would turn my dial to first) and then be welcomed to all the stations that I am used to and grew up with. Of course I'm generalizing but it's just to make the point.

In any case, at mile marker 35, after listening to my favorite talk show (name witheld) I came across a string of songs that completely brought me back to a time where I was a freshman in high school or so and I came to the conclusion that I am the rainman of song lyrics. lol. It's a toss up b/w song lyrics or naming actors in movies. I have yet to decide which is beneficial or worse.

Either way, I laughed as I sang all the lyrics and remembered how fun music was. It's nothing as it is now. There wasn't "foul language" if you will, in every other phrase, or derogatory comments. It was a simplistic way to say what, how you feel no matter the age. I mean, don't get me wrong, play on words and double entendres exist everywhere, but somewhere this was lost and somehow, we need to find this back. Sooner hopefully rather than later.

I'm not sure what happened to these kids. Hopefully they didn't fall into the spiral of Celebritydom and made lives for themselves.

I mean seriously...how can you not like the words ".....wiggida wiggida wack!"

When eye scratches lead to chips and foot tapping in no particular order

This morning I woke up to yet another eye scratch. I haven't had one in a very long time. I'd spare the details for sake of residual pains but basically it was a few hours of hoping things wouldn't get worse and then gobbing up my eye with ointment cream hoping that I could re-open it and not have a reoccurring tear. By morning, luckily, I was okay but still had a swollen eye and by nights end really wanted to itch my eye all to no end. One day I"m sure I'll give the numerous details describing what that is like but for now, trying to watch the Superbowl with a blurry eye is the worst problem of today.

At least with my good head on this morning, I whipped up food for the game and prepped everything. Veggies, wings and nachos. A perfect balance of healthy and unhealthy, please don't talk to me about sugar/insulin intake. I'll cry.

Missing home and home life comes and goes. Some days are tougher than others. I miss so many things and have identified myself with so many things that at times, introspection makes it difficult to see (or understand, believe) who you are . One thing I constantly revert back to is music. You know, they always say "you walk to the beat of your own drummer" or "music is the sound of feelings" or something like that. Well I've realized that music for me encompasses actions, thoughts, moments, frustrations, FUN, friends, family and everything else in between. I often wish I could plug into a computer and download all the musical-associations (if you will) that I have experienced/made throughout my life and keep them forever.

Since, I am not Neo or Johnny Mnemonic, and don't have a USB port lodged in my skull, I have decided to incorporate music and videos and blog as one.

Therefore, in no order....

I rock out to INXS, it's on the ipod. However, there's something about the careless and free lyrics that brings you to your core of fun. Michael Hutchence was a gift. Also, side note: I would in a hearbeat go to Wimbley for a concert experience just like that. Forget food and beer. It's all about the vibe ppl.

People Lacking People Skills

A simple observation.
I, am of a minority descent. Actually, many individuals are of a minority descent. Therefore, being raised in an environment where it is customary to see many races I was a bit surprised when while checking out at a grocery store, the cashier had initially approached me as unable to understand the spoken word. At first I thought, well, maybe she thinks I'm deaf? Second I thought well, people aren't really chatty at the check out now are they? But finally it dawned on me it was because apparently to her, I was a bit out of sorts and not quite fitting into the "blandness" of the surroundings (if I could be so daft to say!) at this time. To her surprise, I was polite, nice and courteous and she smiled and wished me a nice weekend. To her she was behaving cordially, to me it reminds me just how vast this country is in interactions and "first impressions" if you will. As much as I would like to say that I have never been bothered by this before, it's becoming more and more increasingly obvious that I'm "feeling" this more now that I am removed from where I grew up. Odd, how the world has advanced, yet not so.