Fact

The worst thing I hate.....is being misunderstood. Not so much not comprehended, but not being able to be clear and explain myself. I'm sure that sounds utterly basic but it's a discovery that has been years and years in the making.

Story:
While growing up, I was able to express myself but only during those times that I was able to. However blurry these moments are for me now, I do remember in my pre-teen, teen years (middle school mostly) I had the ability, though shyly at times, to take to writing stories (creatively, of course) and begin to have some sort of freeing speech. A speech that allowed be to be easily understood and could be easily relayed to whomever the reader. As I was well in my teen years, still in high school, I would flourish in those moments when I would scribble down a few words and feel better. This was not journaling, this was just a form of expression.

This form of expression came out of my hard work and continuous separation of my school life and home life. This frustration, evident to only a couple of individuals, had to be as such. I kept this going for many, many years. It wasn't until a few years back (say as recent as 5 years), I had come to the realization that I have been struggling to convey what it was that I had on my mind. Struggling to have the recipient's ear understand what I had wanted to say. It was then that I discovered that I had always felt the "less smart" of my group of friends. If it was from my group of friends in high school or college, I still felt that I was unable to relay information in a conversation effectively.

Fast forward to a grad class I was taking. I was trying to have a conversation with a few classmates and it hit me. Well it was more like turning the dimmer up on a switch, that it was all finally coming together. The ability to control the numerous factoids, words, sentences and thoughts that I wanted to "spit out!" in a conversation and pace myself while speaking. I was relieved to see the expression on the recipient's face and was even more relieved when a smile was shown.

I had done it and I wasn't even sure how it happened.

I am still very hesitant about explaining myself for fears that I will not be understood. I try very hard to stay engaged in conversations and try not to bite my tongue, but when that happens I find myself unfulfilled and feeling that they should have heard what I had to say.

Recap:
Make sure when talking I am understood.
Get over the hesitation that I cannot relay what I want to say.
If frustrated, stomp feet and cry, then inhale and try again to say what was on my mind. (However mish-moshed it may sound.)
Or, blog about it. just to get it off your chest.

(fin)