Retrospective Delayed.

Words are often meant to be the path to clarity and comprehension.

Thoughts and sentiments are the vehicles of expression.

What's mostly interrupts this - - - doubt.

Higher reasoning mammals given the ability to decide the "why's" and "how's" of situations often brings us to the precipice of doubt and second guessing. This is more than just instinctual decisiveness where most would say "I felt like I should go left instead of right" as opposed to reasoning their way through the numerous outcomes of where their decisions would bring them.

I speak of that sliver of space between the aforementioned where the slight hesitation, if magnified, could reveal more of the human psyche than a mere dice roll or palm reading.

For most, the act of thinking and processing of a decision or a reflection of decisions, is much more than consequential thinking. This is more directed toward affected thinking or vibrative emotion to a given idea, thought or situation. Simply, if a decision, not based or preceded by emotion is made - this is a solid and whole decision. However, if this has been given a moment of chance in thought, then doubt expands in the space given and creates permanency, solidifies, roots and remains. Combating the opportunity is to allow the free will and spirit of thought, to be strong and true to what it feels and not weaken when given an unclear path.


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This philosophical moment was brought to you by my philosophy class, the letter M and pink lemonade.

The Neverending Paragraph

As many before me have said, Graduate school is tough. Tough on the mind. Tough on the soul. Tough on your life. Tough on your.... well you get the dreariness of it all. Well right now, I'm in the "if I have to conjoin two more phrases in prose text with a theme and substantiated proofs I may just die" phase, because even after 8 days I still have 3 papers remaining before the end of the week.

But that's not what's really important now is it? Yes, it does explain why I haven't written about the most interesting things that I have come across (all of which I have conveniently bookmarked so I can comment [er, trash] in my own leisure at a later date) but the fact that interestingly enough, I have had a few pangs of nostalgia hit me in the past few days.

Not quite sure how I have been having these moments, or lapses in mental judgment, but I have. Hey I am human after all.

Quite honestly though, I'll have to think on that and see where it's coming from.

Is it because another birthday is nearing?

Is it because I'm feeling emotionally unattached or looking to be attached? (Yes, I got this straight from a men's health magazine. I'd never admit that on my own.)

Is it because I think of the many roads and paths that I have taken and wonder, hey I could be doing this now or I could be with him/her right now!

Or maybe it's because I'm beginning to think about the openness of the world again and how at any moment I can choose to make a left instead of a right and not get on the elevator and go for a walk instead.....

In part I think it just means, that somehow, I am finding myself again. The me that I remember from college. The one who was just enjoying the moment and didn't care.

Let's see if the next few choices I make are in line with who that person was. We shall see....
But for now it's goodbye to the readers of few, the prose of many, the themes for words that are yet to be written....

"Hi, Motivation isn't in right now....

but if you could come back at the end of semester when this is all over, then maybe we could get together and do something. Thanks!"

Not much more to say than that. It's the wee early hours of a daylight savings morning and not only am I tired but I just lost 60 more minutes and my eyelids are clamping shut. Oy.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better compositional day.

Driving at night with my pants securely on

On my way home last night, I was finally able to unwind a little on the long drive home. This is especially true since I not only cross state borders for school but also major radio markets. With that said it's amazing to be inundated with country-like stations (am not insulting the genre just not the music I would turn my dial to first) and then be welcomed to all the stations that I am used to and grew up with. Of course I'm generalizing but it's just to make the point.

In any case, at mile marker 35, after listening to my favorite talk show (name witheld) I came across a string of songs that completely brought me back to a time where I was a freshman in high school or so and I came to the conclusion that I am the rainman of song lyrics. lol. It's a toss up b/w song lyrics or naming actors in movies. I have yet to decide which is beneficial or worse.

Either way, I laughed as I sang all the lyrics and remembered how fun music was. It's nothing as it is now. There wasn't "foul language" if you will, in every other phrase, or derogatory comments. It was a simplistic way to say what, how you feel no matter the age. I mean, don't get me wrong, play on words and double entendres exist everywhere, but somewhere this was lost and somehow, we need to find this back. Sooner hopefully rather than later.

I'm not sure what happened to these kids. Hopefully they didn't fall into the spiral of Celebritydom and made lives for themselves.

I mean seriously...how can you not like the words ".....wiggida wiggida wack!"

Where in the world is my pencil?

It's been many a days since I last sat down with keyboard and my thoughts....I had wanted to write, there's been so much going on, but at times, the time just didn't make it possible. I mean, i had to find time to sleep, right?

There's much to record. First, I made the quick, split-second decision to start taking graduate courses in September. As of today, I am not quite sure if that was the best decision for me, but I will say the journey has been ridiculously enlightening. I had to make these whole new group of decisions on my own, with very little input from others for guidance. I didn't like that very much. I realized that I don't have a supportive group around me to bounce ideas off of. It reminds me of being little and having no one to talk to and no one to play with. I usually play off these thoughts and never share with anyone - so no one has a clue. But I always know that I can write them here and at least for a few posts, they'll make sense to me. The classes I chose are the typical introductory classes. Learning of this and foundations of that. What made it challenging was understanding how I can learn and what I need to do to get work done. This, was the biggest obstacle, I feel of them all. Somehow I found myself ::stressing:: out so badly to write my first paper (in years) that I must've stayed up all night feeling inadequate and wondering how I was never taught how to do this and feeling how big of a failure I am for even trying to attempt this huge feat.

Those were pretty low days. Which followed other low days of reading and not understanding what the heck I was reading! Here I'm thinking it's something to do with my un-officially-diagnosed-but-tested-but-not-by-a-psychologist learning disability, luckily for my sanity, it really was the course work. :) Yeah, I felt some huge camaraderie when one day I initiated a conversation with classmates (no one ever talked before class) and turns out the entire class felt more unified in those first few minutes than when we first started! Since then, the camaraderie has turned into commiserating and we all keep our wits about us when we can interject a few quibs here and there or else we all may just go bat crazy.

Months later, I am now finding myself with a mere 3 classes left for the fall semester and wondering how I will ever survive writing 4 1/2 papers before the 20th. I have considered getting a plaque engraved for the desk and chair which I claim at the library a few towns over. They must start feeling sorry for me seeing how they see me so often. I think there may be a "no food" policy, but I broke it when I came in with a huge salad and spread out it's splendor for 5 1/2 hours since I didn't want to leave and lose my spot.

Yes these are the things that I go though. How's your week been, bloggerinos?

Knit 2 Sushi 1

Today I will have to consider a brain dead day. I'm not sure why considering I have so many things to do. Schoolwork mainly being one of them. I actually spent the day on the couch just me and my dysfunctional laptop. I so can't wait to I can buy a new one. Maybe one day. Right.

I really did though, spend the day watching news, watching crap tv and basically vegging out. I really shouldn't have. I should have been reading. But I didn't. I'll regret that later I'm sure.

I did have plans to meet up one of my knitting groups. I had a longstanding "we wanna go for sushi one day" agreements with one of my knitting friends. So we tried to meet up earlier but as my luck would have it, it's a long holiday weekend and apparently here, everyone was going somewhere RIGHT as I was trying to get some dinner. Oh well. Sushi ran late and I went to check in at the place to see if others had shown up. Luckily no one had so then I hopped into a Party City. I never shop there I didn't even know what to expect, but it's completely covered in Halloween stuff so it was almost a turn off. I browsed through anyways.

I got a call from a friend back home about going to a Halloween party. It got me thinking about a costumer, but I'm not committing to anything yet. I just can't.

Ideas for costumes:
Linda Richman from SNL
A creepy fortune teller
an Elf

Neck deep in diagnoses

I hitched a ride today to My School via someone who was going to Big University which was down the street. I felt lucky because I really didn't feel like driving two days in a row. I made the trek to the library again and had some luck and found a computer. I got into researching the 4 papers I have to write for this one class. I luckily don't have a due date for them but I am not about to wait until the last week of the semester to hand this suckers in. That'll ruin Christmas for sure and who wants that?

I tried to keep on the reading but frequently lost my spot and couldn't recall what I had just read. I found out in 2007, after heeding a suggestion from the Dir. of Disabilities at that Other School, I got tested for a learning disability (LD). Turns out I have all the indicators of Central Auditory Processing Disorder or CAPD or APD for short. When I had heard and read about my results, I remember vividly that I cried and sobbed and instantly felt a weight come off my shoulders. For years, I was carrying around this burden that I wasn't smart enough and would just not do my best at my school work. This added pressure come directly from my mother who for years blamed my lack of attention and distraction via the tv, friends, boys and other extra curriculars as my downfall to my academics. I'll touch upon this again on another day....

So I'm researching topics for the papers that I have to write. I have 4 papers for one class and an ongoing paper that is due every 2 wks for another class. This last one, is the one that freaks me out the most because of the structure and requirements of the paper. Most of the time it's such a vague description of what is asked/needed that I get lost. Thank god for my trusty digital recorder or else I'd be up Shittawasa's creek. Anyways when I started revisiting what I had printed and what my topics were to be...I realize, my printed articles have nothing to do with the topic. Oh fun! Hooray! *rolls eyes deep exhale schlump in seat* Thank goodness I had a chunk amount of time in the library and was able to find a place to read or else I'd need that paddle.

Funny realization:
Students here are friendly, I will say that, however, they do react funny when seeing paraphenalia that is not accustomed here. Example: say another college's sweatshirt, or a greek organization (frat or sorority), or sports team not from the region (like a Vikings jersey when you're in Boston, etc). It's the I'm not trying to stare but I so am because we are HERE and follow THIS and clearly not what you have on! Stranger! lol...

Last night I went to one of my knitting groups. I had fun. There are some nice ppl who are in this group. We are working on making baby hats for premature babies. I do enjoy doing philanthropic things. Making these baby hats are great. It's a super simple pattern that someone found and it allows me to use up some yarn that I won't use up. So it's a win win. I made 6. :) I'm sure I'll make more in the upcoming months. We're also going to make scarves for the Special Olympics. That yarn I'm not too fond of, but I'm sure I'll do my 3 scarves for that as well. I have to double check on the colors. I was told that it was some blue color with red. *scrunches face* Really? Well, I'll have to check into that one just to be sure.

Today I drove to school to get some research done on my papers that are due. Mainly for my other teacher Teacher E. Nergy. I enjoy his class and realize that I have experienced a lot of what he is teaching from a real world job I had working at a deaf school.

I went hunting for an empty classroom in this one building on campus. I realize that I work so much better with a huge table where I can spread out and really work and block out everything. It's nice. It's like my own little office. This time of day though (like around 445pm) there are a bunch of night classes going on and unfortunately since I didn't know if the classroom I was occupying was going to be used, I really tried to make the best of the time I had and concentrated. Which is when I realized....the articles I found I couldn't use. Made no sense. *sigh* Fine. I made my way to the library.

It's the newest building on campus. Opened in 2009. It's very nice and has nice computer labs on the main floor. I was lucky at the time I came in because apparently the resident students hadn't made it to the labs yet. I grabbed an imac and set up my little nook of studying and research. I don't usually work with my ipod on but I did this time just to drown out the other conversations and such that were happening around me. I need it to be completely quiet and I knew that this wasn't going to happen now. Anyways I was flipping and reading through prognoses and therapies and studies...when I see a guy sit down within my eyeline say....2 o'clock from where I am sitting. He was very attractive. Like wow you're a cutie. I stink at making eye contact but realize that he was checking ME out. There was a girl in front of me, and a girl next to her (1 o'clock) and then he. But since we face each other I thought for sure that 1 o'clock girl thought I was checking her out but sadly I wasn't. She isn't my type. There was something about her fake smile that made her uglier to me, and that completely turned me off to her. As for him, he totally was turning his head. I loved it. I smiled and realized that I hadn't flirted in ages with someone, but I was feeling completely taken by him. This went on I would say, for a better part of an hour. I know, a full 60 minutes! He then got up to leave, which was funny becuase I had wanted to leave by a certain time as well (it was 8pm) and so I started packing up and shutting down the computer. He saw and slowed down his process, which meant I sped mine up!

I must tell you that this fairytale romance ended suddenly, because as soon as I got out, he was no where to be seen. My guess is that he wandered over to his residence hall room and had naughty dreams about the one that caught his attention and slipped out the library door.

*sigh* I will see you again Computer lab cutie. When that moment comes, I'll be just as surprised as you are. This lab is open 24hrs....I'm sure I'll spy you at one time or another.

To breathe a sigh of relief....

I waited about 10 agonizing minutes when I got my paper last night at class. After stressing out, losing sleep, staying up until 3am the day before, looking up websites to help me write a paper, trying write out all my thoughts on paper and then typing them into Word. It works for me, as it turns out to do this process. I never realized it before but it did this time around. Then for the past week or so I've been having printing issues at home with the laser printer. It was fixed the night before. I printed a a things and thought all was well. Karmically speaking, of course. I finish typing my paper around 230 pm. I race to print around 235 to 245pm. There is a horrid error on the machine. With no progress. I literally jump in and out of the shower and toss everything into my car and race to school. It's about an hour's drive give or take traffic and this day I barely remember how I made it though without getting into an accident. I get to the library and see a classmate who is also printing. Luckily, I had emailed it to myself as well as save it on a stick but email was super fast for me on this occassion. I open, print and exhale finally about 5 to 5. On my race walk over I realize that the pdf format neglects my page numbers but at this point I didn't care, I'll redo it when I hand it in again in a week or so. *shrugs*

Of course, we are required to print out the information we need before class. Ha, I laugh internally. What a joke today is. I couldn't win but I didn't care because I got my paper done and I'm sure there are parts of it that are good right?

Fast forward to me flipping through the pages about to check out my grade.....
I was getting that sickly feeling in my stomach where I know that I failed and have to just suck it up and deal and make something better the next time around....when I see nothing but check marks all over my text. Then on the scoring rubric....I see a 20. No way. I got an A!?! Hooray for me!

Then.
My Balloon deflates.

Teacher A. Mbiguous says that she thought all the papers were good and that she enjoyed reading them. However she then adds that she had graded them leniently and that the next time she would not be so lenient. She also said that we still need to follow the rubric and be sure that we cover all the information there.

So what you're trying to say Teacher A.Mbigous is that I really didn't get an A afterall??
Huh? *scratch head and have puzzled face*

Either way. I'm going to enjoy this moment for a little while longer. At least until the next paper is due.

The maundays

Today is the longest day of the week. Not because it's the first day, but because it's the day I drive to school for my 2 back to back night classes. That's not the hard part. The hard part is the drive. Not that I hate to drive, because I don't. I just don't like these regional drivers. I'd much rather be driving somewhere else with more lanes. lol.

I do like my 2 classes. I since I am shy, I am realizing that I myself, am changing. I am changing the way I approach people. How I talk to them. Heck, how I even sing in my car. I'm not sure if it's because I'm trying to regain control or comfort in my life or trying to feel comfortable in this new environment but I realize that my perspectives are changing and getting more insight in how I feel about things. How I feel about myself. How I feel about the world. How I feel about what has happened to me. Although I feel that I deserve more (out of this life) I feel that I still have to find the way(or ways) to get to the point that I will feel "like myself".

Back to school. I think I can do school. However, I feel that it will be so incredibly difficult I don't think I will be good at it. That is not to say that I'm selling myself short but that I know how hard it will be for me and how hard I will have to work just to keep up with the others who I know will do better. Not that I care about the others, b/c I don't, but that I care about making sure that I don't get involved in this potential career and realize that it was such a waste of time. Think round peg square hole. I feel sometimes that my whole life was like this.

When did it become October?

Are you kidding me? When did October sneak up on me? I barely had a chance to enjoy the sun for a second and now it's October? Wow. I never even went to the beach this summer. I did see the beach from a friends front porch but I never actually put my toes in the sand and water. It sucks.

On the up side, I have made the most urgent decision to be sure to take pictures of the glorious mountain views when the trees change. I didn't take ANY last year...in NY or here so I definitely need to make up for that.

Also, since I handed in my first paper on Monday I've been recuperating all week. Which means, I'm off to school today to get some reading done. We'll see how well that works.