November fumbles.....love crumbles

After months and months, I finally find myself back to the safe space that helped me through some tough times. I appreciate that this space is mine and honor when needed. I also bow my head in writer's shame as I've let it collect dust like my workout clothes and my running shoes.

It comes as no surprise to my "great book" that I'll eventually write that I'm at yet - another crossroads.

In a relationship of over a year, living together about 3 months and change, it has come to a head that my partner did not foresee the relationship being as such. Unbeknownst to they, I have been searching for someone who wants to love me, be with me and grow old with me.

With my story having both my parents suffer and pass from an illness (cancer) and an only child, I find the idyllic image of love and heart-bursting joy - to be something so easy for most but nearly impossible in my life's journey.

They say, most of us are wired for skills and the rest for invention, for whomever is left. Love. Love big. Love entirely. Love to the four winds.


Such a wonderful image.
I'm not saying it's all Hallmark and roses...but I want something.
I aspire for something.
I look up to the stars for something.


So for now, I sit, in a chilly basement bedroom. Watching streaming tv on my phone with two dogs not mine, 1 cat that is mine a grumbling belly and 5 browser tabs open talking about rental places, credit card transfers and the news.

I'm sure I'll come back again tonight.

Aisle Locking

I saw you today.
I was shocked to see you there.
I was (back) in NYC and I saw you. I still can't believe that I saw you there. Walking with people towards me...it's rare that I remember feelings in the moment that things happen.
But I was not only shocked at the fact that we did the romcom locking eyes thing.
But that we both did the walk past turn back stare .....in synchronistic timing.

I've no idea when I'll see you again, but I love that I saw you again....then again.

See you soon.

More than likely....

More than likely...

I will stand your presence. But it doesn't mean your hand won't miss being in mine.
More than likely...
I will keep comments to myself. But know that I will always want to know what you meant.
More than likely...
I will look at you when you talk with me. But I will fight with restraint from having my soul be revealed by your eyes.
More than likely...
I will be present in the moments that we find ourselves together. But know that those moments I always want to continue without hesitation.
More than likely...
I will be respectful and genuine. But when asked, at any time in my life, I will never deny the connection I feel.

When there's not much to say

........sometimes you have to wonder.....

 

.....when will it be the right time?

 

I turn away and laugh and (nervously) smile

Recently someone asked me why I don't talk about myself (what I've seen/accomplished/done, etc) with others. I took a second, hesitation was clearly on my face and responded with "because those are my experiences" and then added some rather convincing blabber about people and attention spans and quickly got the subject changed....

I exhaled, put the matter on a shelf and went on with life. Until this morning.

I was busily searching through past pictures on my various drives (vacations/sights/off road snapshots etc) and felt a pang in my side. It wasn't the traveling bug that I have been suffering from as of late. This was something else.

The best way to describe it: wanting to share but knowing that once it's out there it can't go back. Nothing's hidden when you share it. Just like when you shared a note about that person you had your eye on before the dance in middle school and hoping that they would feel the same way about you.

I've put fear aside and shared a note recently. I hope that my ridiculous blabber can distract from the nerves that really want to shine through.

Instead the pang on my side reminds me it's there...

They say it's all in the eyes

I was scanning the room while you were sipping on your drink. I had seen you play/pat with your hair when you caught a quick glance at my lips. When you shifted in your seat I leaned forward to gauge more of your body and what you were saying to me. You smiled back when I said something sweet and it caught you off guard. There was a moment there when our conversation never stopped, I exhaled in surprise and tried to cover up my ever growing smile but you caught me with your eyes that trapped me in that moment. There I knew,  you and I were in the right place of the universe.

dude, get a grip.

This is not for me, but for the universe.

I've been living in this apartment building for a few months now and have been (off and on) listening to a couple argue across the hall. I'd say they're around my age. I know nothing more than what is said, I've never spoken to them nor exchanged pleasantries.

The thing is, it's a sad situation.

All I want the universe to know is that if you're finding yourself not happy - the world is big and vast. There's always a ying to the yang elsewhere - somewhere.
Look, I know we're not supposed to talk about it and I'm not saying that I'm a nosy busybody because I'm not.
I just know that finding peace and true happiness is so much more worth than all those unhappy moments.
I hope that they (whomever in the universe who needs it) finds it.

Said around a bonfire

Last night, around a bonfire, a friend's husband asked me (again) who am I interested in. Meaning in no brief words "Why aren't you dating someone?" Per his typical, albeit drunken seriousness I engaged him in this conversation. Firstly, mainly because I know that he means well. Second, well because at this rate anyone's opinion needs to be of help.

We laughed for a bit and joked about how another friend in the group was "swiping" left/right and commenting on how many people of the inexplicable numbers have already met in the same "speakeasy" lounge...unbeknownst to them. I laughed and said, quite smartly, "yeah but how many of them have had a physical interaction with?". I didn't say it to bring shame upon the friend, nor was it to make it seem that there was something wrong with sex. I was merely pointing out that the online world is rather askew as of late and this, dear friends, is what is disconcerting.

Trust me, this isn't in any way me psyching myself out or saying that "the hope is lost" - no it isn't. However I will freely admit that the hope is currently stuck on the lazy susan of choices. I wouldn't call it neutral because life still happens, but I will say that my choices of the online nature are really out there. I wish there was a way to make them all be tangible and :then: be able to persue whomever, but damn, this crap is getting harder and harder each time around.

My hope is this, if you're online, be open-minded.
If you're open-minded then read someone's wording.
Read the wording and picture the person's "voice".
Picture the person's "voice" then flip through their snapshots.
See their snapshots then take a chance.
If we all were to operate the same way I feel like there would be a lot more success stories than the small percentage that exists currently.

Otherwise, at least be decent at sex.

Just sayin'.

A table for two

There are many moments in our life when we feel that the endless turns never stop coming. If you're single, you've been an active participant on the spinning wheel of the dating scene. As an active participant of life I'm willingly putting myself onto the wheel this evening. The wheel? You wonder. The wheel is one night of speed dating. That's right. You know of it. You've heard stories from it. And I'm well, starving reader, I'm doing it.

Now I know. you're saying to yourself. Who does these things? I thought that was only on those basic cable channels where the people who are profiled are crazy and out of their minds drunk on their egos and lacking in other areas. Well I can assure you, I am in no way a overflowing with my own ego nor am I missing any screws.

To me, this process (because I think it's fair to call it a process) should be tried at least once. We know, our society is based on looks, neither mine nor my eventual partner could deny that, but something needs to be said about taking the opportunity to sell your best self for someone who could eventually grow to like you.

Notwithstanding, I do akin this speed dating to lilypads and frogs. I just hope I don't get stuck alone out there in the deep murky swamp.

Family Envy

Since starting this blog, I think the most remarkable and touching thing that I have found is how wonderful the stories of other people's family lives are. I mean, for me, it brings up envy and wishing that I could've had that growing up. Or have been in a nuturing environment in my formative years.

That's not to say that I was unhappy with my parents, or didn't like my experiences, because I definitely did. I just think that maybe for the longest of years, I have been searching for those rom com stories. Those adolescent moments between a mother and daughter. Or father and daughter. Where in the end there was an understanding there and love was shown.

I'm sitting here and writing and I'm filled with tears. It's not to say that I didn't like my parents because I do. It's just that unreachable wish that maybe, if not once, I could have had one thing that all those other families had. It could be small and insignificant....but it doesn't matter now.
Again, it's not to say that I don't appreciate what I have now, because I know very well that if I didn't endure what I went through, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Still, though, I look and read those blogs and smile. I smile for them but am sad.

To those families, I wish you many years of happiness and enjoy all the moments as we know they are fleeting. As for me, I will continue to read as much as I can and feel as if I could be a distant cousin in their life stories.

Sincerely,
Distant Cousin LQ twice removed