Reoccuring Disturbances

Apparently my subconscious is at it again.

I have very vivid and intense dreams. Most are memorable, others not so much. Some are sad or happy or sexual. Others are not. A few nights ago, I had another intense dream but it involved a very negative character from my past and I can't quite shake it. I'm not sure what it means, but I feel that soon it will make sense to me.

As most of my dreams, they are full of emotion, to a degree. They are colorful, animated (lively) and feel very real. Sometimes they involve people I know or have met. Other times it's complete strangers who I do not know in real life but in the dream, are familiar.

This particular dream. The majority of the individuals are familiar, from my life and very real. The precise situation has never occurred, and won't ever, but yet becomes plausible, where in a dream it only can be.

The premise is simple. There is an apartment or a hotel room. Many beds, say 3, and numerous friends who are all staying with me. This room is fully furnished as a typical home (including knick-knacks and posters, etc) but yet there were people sleeping on the floor and it was a party-like atmosphere.

With me in my bed, I believe I was with a partner or "friend of the moment"- this detail is of non-importance to me in the dream. Apparently I was either single or what someone I had just met. Either way, the focus was much more of who was with me (in the apartment) and who I was experiencing this with.

This dream was in first person. [Meaning I (myself) was experiencing the dream as I would life on a daily basis. At times I have dreams in third person, where I am viewing from above or from a distance (like a movie)] I had been talking with others in the room about a potential bar crawl or party that was happening somewhere else in the building. (Again I am unclear if it was a hotel or an apartment setting) However there was noise and music to be heard around me and everyone seemed to be in a festive mood and cheery. I had recently spotted out the window a crowd of people joking and laughing as they walked in the street at night and apparently were friends of mine and we shouted to each other from the window. They were coming to where I was and I would be happy to see them. Immediately I had felt a negative vibe that I did not like and was revolted by it.

I turned to view that an individual I had dated was present with me in this living space and was staying in the neighboring bed. To spare a gender description I have chosen the gender neutral name of "Taylor". Taylor had entered and had chatted with me about something, and had apparently known or just met my other friends in the apartment and seemingly, everything appeared fine. I did though feel that whenever my life crossed paths with Taylor, things just never felt right - at all. (even in this dream)

A fast sequence occurred where friends came in and out of the living space, music and drinks were had. I had met a special someone and was unavailable from time to time to mingle with friends, but I knew that since this wasn't a hosted part (again back to the hotel location) why did it matter to be a host? So I had fun. Moments sped up into hours, when I realized that the crowd gathered again and headed out and back to the street for more reverie somewhere else. I was preparing to leave with my special someone when I realize that there were friends (or at least people I knew) sleeping in sleeping bags on sofas and pillows everywhere and just chilling to some soft music. I wasn't surprised or bothered at all by the sight. Neither was my special someone as I decided to forgo leaving and just stay behind with others.

A few moments later, Taylor enters with stomping feet and arrogance in tone. Taylor enters and is shocked by the utter noise, the environment and amount of people in the area. I say, were you expecting something else. Taylor says, I was expecting something but definitely not this. Taylor too had a partner in tow. Taylor's partner didn't look too happy either. I could tell that there was something going on under that mop of hair product. A few other words were shared, unimportant, and Taylor leaves. Upon leaving, my friends laugh and say, "you dated that?" I fail to respond. A friend from across the room snorts "always a jerk" and the laughter and conversations pick up again and it's a chill environment once more.

I'm not quite sure how much later in this time sequence, that Taylor returns, and angrily enters the space, spouting at the mouth and violent. Taylor's partner is there, gathering their possessions and leaving the space. Taylor argues with someone else away from me and then turns to realize that there are people in their bed, where they were to sleep that night, angrily, Taylor leaves. The room is shocked and returns to the merriment. A few moments later Taylor returns and grabs one small last thing and says in a scornful tone, "this was such a waste of $1000 dollars" and walks out.

I, offended and not sure why, felt my stomach flip, and this is where in real life I felt my stomach flip and I felt ill at Taylor's crushing words. While in the dream I remember be taken aback by Taylor's comments but went back to my new special someone. When I awoke, in real life, I remember instantly feeling "why the heck did I just have a dream and have Taylor be in it?! Ugh." I felt dirty and used and wanted to erase that part of my great dream away but realized that there must have been a reason to it. I still can't figure that piece out.....

It's been years since I have even spoken to Taylor. I've uttered Taylor's name a few times but not of real significance. I have no feelings for Taylor. At all. I hear Taylor is married. Taylor should be Taylor to others and never cross my path again. More importantly I believe there is no significance to why Taylor appeared in my dream.

Moreover, what really should be analyzed by my inner id and ego is what is the symbolism of Taylor in this dream? It's disturbing to me that because of Taylor I have to dig deep and figure out the "why's" of my mind....but essentially I feel that maybe this is the only good thing that Taylor has ever given me -Introspection.

Money Misgivings

I was asleep. I was dreaming about how I will be able to make ends meet. I was trying to juggle cc statements and bills and I can recall there being a large purchase that was just made that I was responsible for. My parents were alive and the purchase was for an event or for a show of some sort. I remember feeling absolutely awful because I wasn't able to be home to open my mail and sort things out. Items strewed around the house were in disarray and my mother was trying her best to help out. She had opened my mail. She came to me with a familiar face and began asking me questions about how I was money strapped and if I was able to make payments for the bills that I had. This conversation of course was in Spanish so I could instantly tell her intonation and concern (anger) in her words. I confessed and told her I was worried. I began to cry because I didn't know what to do and I had no idea how/when I'd be able to find a job and make payments. She put her hand on my shoulder and said that it is hard but that something will work out. She just said that I have to be honest with myself and that by working hard something will eventually work out. I cried and smiled some more. She leaned in for a hug. That's when I realized I knew I was dreaming and she wasn't really there. My mother was never really a hugger. I never really felt comfortable giving her hugs until later in her life. She wasn't a cold person, she just carried a strong personality that never outwardly showed her feelings unless it was in an angry or upset way. I never understood that until the end.

While dreaming, I began to think about all the years my mother spent without her mother. No guidance to help in child rearing how she basically had to define the world for herself and settle for what it gave back to her. She worked hard but I often wonder how happy she actually was. I work up thinking I was in tears but wasn't. I woke up feeling worried and realizing that I was in that exact stage with no idea what to do.