November fumbles.....love crumbles

After months and months, I finally find myself back to the safe space that helped me through some tough times. I appreciate that this space is mine and honor when needed. I also bow my head in writer's shame as I've let it collect dust like my workout clothes and my running shoes.

It comes as no surprise to my "great book" that I'll eventually write that I'm at yet - another crossroads.

In a relationship of over a year, living together about 3 months and change, it has come to a head that my partner did not foresee the relationship being as such. Unbeknownst to they, I have been searching for someone who wants to love me, be with me and grow old with me.

With my story having both my parents suffer and pass from an illness (cancer) and an only child, I find the idyllic image of love and heart-bursting joy - to be something so easy for most but nearly impossible in my life's journey.

They say, most of us are wired for skills and the rest for invention, for whomever is left. Love. Love big. Love entirely. Love to the four winds.


Such a wonderful image.
I'm not saying it's all Hallmark and roses...but I want something.
I aspire for something.
I look up to the stars for something.


So for now, I sit, in a chilly basement bedroom. Watching streaming tv on my phone with two dogs not mine, 1 cat that is mine a grumbling belly and 5 browser tabs open talking about rental places, credit card transfers and the news.

I'm sure I'll come back again tonight.

Up

As I was walking to my car tonight, I finally got a chance to look up. I miss looking up.
The sky seems so wide and vast. The insignificance of where I was coming from to where I needed to go reminded me of so many things that I was forgetting to do.

More than likely....

More than likely...

I will stand your presence. But it doesn't mean your hand won't miss being in mine.
More than likely...
I will keep comments to myself. But know that I will always want to know what you meant.
More than likely...
I will look at you when you talk with me. But I will fight with restraint from having my soul be revealed by your eyes.
More than likely...
I will be present in the moments that we find ourselves together. But know that those moments I always want to continue without hesitation.
More than likely...
I will be respectful and genuine. But when asked, at any time in my life, I will never deny the connection I feel.

When there's not much to say

........sometimes you have to wonder.....

 

.....when will it be the right time?

 

homonyms abound.

Today.
A breakthough.
Not sure how I never let it penetrate the inner walls of myself but it worked. Somehow between the sorting and shifting of ideas, stuff, memories, things.....I got it.
It wasn't a whack in the head or a deep breath of air.
It was more a "release" and I was finally okay with it.

So it's happening. It's "in process"....the music is blaring and I'm all in.

I'm feeling very nervously excited about it. The other side should be very interesting.

the biggest part of moving on......is letting go.... 

I didn't come up with it. 

Someone else knew exactly where I was going.

Dude.

Trusting vulnerability

Most people believe, the act of opening yourself up to someone is easy. These same people I'm sure also can remember the precise moment when their courting took a turn in an unforeseen direction.

Vulnerability however, is a fluid space within you. You can fast pass someone into that space all you want as often as you want but if you're not a willing participant - you're wasting your time. 

The bigger question is to know what it is to be vulnerable and have vulnerability. 

Webster's says :

Full Definition of vulnerable

1:  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Now as a reader, your instinctual response is "Ew! I don't want to feel vulnerable." Or "I'm never vulnerable...in any of my relationships." But look at that same definition a bit deeper and then apply it to your viewpoints.
It's the ability or capability of being wounded. Are you falling on your medieval sword in the middle of a conversation? Not likely. The art of being vulnerable isn't a calculated effort. It's just being natural and true to yourself. Completely.


Why do most people get hung up on this? Easy! That F word. Fear.
I've traveled around enough and met/chatted with enough people, couples to know that this feeling is a true and valid one. It's just that, it's often mistreated as a flaw and not as a positive aspect to someone's personality.
Let me put this in easier terms. Being vulnerable in the act of Dating.
To be vulnerable for/with/during Dating is really the only way that you can be your most truest self to someone. Smiling during a topic of conversation which comes from deep within you will resonate to the other person and they will eventually feel what you are trying to convey. Telling a story about some fantastic journey or adventure and the look in your eyes as you describe what you felt like (or how you've become more animated); keeps control of the conversation for a few minutes longer than expected.

Spouses when they discuss vulnerability they almost always say they can pinpoint it to a situation or a moment when they knew their softer moments led each to one another. Couples already have surpassed this hurdle of confidence and assurance. It's all the other people in the world whom need to function without their better half that mucks it all up for the global world.

From online dating (which is blind-dating) to casual exchanging of information which becomes texting, relationship building is just that - small pieces of you creating something really great. The act of being vulnerable is not a negative one, it's the way you allow yourself to let go of all that came before that moment in time. That hashmark in your timeline of life, where all that is culminating brings you to that point of letting your truest feelings or feeling the tangible reality of who you are and what you want to convey shine through. 

Most people never get to this point in their lives. Some dance around it because the fear of being hurt paralyzes their chances to move forward and find happiness.


This isn't a criticism nor am I an expert. What I do know is personal growth and success comes from many facets. One of those, vulnerability is never one that most people mention or care to talk about.

Look to make it simple, oh dear wide world, vulnerability is an asset to human behavior. It's a quality that most people want. 

For friendships, shit, that's the only way to forge friendships. You have to be yourself and hope that others reciprocate. 

In courting and eventual relationships, it's what you want to have and find in that someone across from you. You want to share with them your stories about high school and crazy late night college stories. You want to hear about the most memorable places he/she has been and how their details make you want to be there too. You want to start feeling that smile creep up on your face and your insides start to burn up with that need to keep talking and find out more....

To be vulnerable....and having the chance to be vulnerable....and sharing vulnerability.......let's be true to the process - we all want it. We just want it in the ways that we are ready to accept it.

Please don't let your fear of vulernability scare you away from sharing yourself and starting a new adventure.

Live life! It's out there for you to take a chance on it.

:Prose writing over::

Hey up there!!

All Call:

What is it with Loud steppers? Floor stompers? Board squeakers? Rock steppers? Good lord. Please stop or change your shoeware.

Said around a bonfire

Last night, around a bonfire, a friend's husband asked me (again) who am I interested in. Meaning in no brief words "Why aren't you dating someone?" Per his typical, albeit drunken seriousness I engaged him in this conversation. Firstly, mainly because I know that he means well. Second, well because at this rate anyone's opinion needs to be of help.

We laughed for a bit and joked about how another friend in the group was "swiping" left/right and commenting on how many people of the inexplicable numbers have already met in the same "speakeasy" lounge...unbeknownst to them. I laughed and said, quite smartly, "yeah but how many of them have had a physical interaction with?". I didn't say it to bring shame upon the friend, nor was it to make it seem that there was something wrong with sex. I was merely pointing out that the online world is rather askew as of late and this, dear friends, is what is disconcerting.

Trust me, this isn't in any way me psyching myself out or saying that "the hope is lost" - no it isn't. However I will freely admit that the hope is currently stuck on the lazy susan of choices. I wouldn't call it neutral because life still happens, but I will say that my choices of the online nature are really out there. I wish there was a way to make them all be tangible and :then: be able to persue whomever, but damn, this crap is getting harder and harder each time around.

My hope is this, if you're online, be open-minded.
If you're open-minded then read someone's wording.
Read the wording and picture the person's "voice".
Picture the person's "voice" then flip through their snapshots.
See their snapshots then take a chance.
If we all were to operate the same way I feel like there would be a lot more success stories than the small percentage that exists currently.

Otherwise, at least be decent at sex.

Just sayin'.

A table for two

There are many moments in our life when we feel that the endless turns never stop coming. If you're single, you've been an active participant on the spinning wheel of the dating scene. As an active participant of life I'm willingly putting myself onto the wheel this evening. The wheel? You wonder. The wheel is one night of speed dating. That's right. You know of it. You've heard stories from it. And I'm well, starving reader, I'm doing it.

Now I know. you're saying to yourself. Who does these things? I thought that was only on those basic cable channels where the people who are profiled are crazy and out of their minds drunk on their egos and lacking in other areas. Well I can assure you, I am in no way a overflowing with my own ego nor am I missing any screws.

To me, this process (because I think it's fair to call it a process) should be tried at least once. We know, our society is based on looks, neither mine nor my eventual partner could deny that, but something needs to be said about taking the opportunity to sell your best self for someone who could eventually grow to like you.

Notwithstanding, I do akin this speed dating to lilypads and frogs. I just hope I don't get stuck alone out there in the deep murky swamp.

Tired. Just tired.

You know those moments when you happen to catch yourself in the corner of your eye and realize, "whoa. what just happened?" Well this has been my world for a little bit now. A long bit. I've had a few in my life. Just last week I had one. I was going through the motions of something then, I found myself standing, completely clueless, wondering "what now?" Typically I have answers or a solution for just about everything, it's just how my brain works. It constantly works on solutions and "outs". Last week though, I felt my skin struggling to understand the abruptness in the space time continuum. It took a few days to recover (that's code for catch up on sleep) but coming out on the other end I realize that I find myself feeling saddened, almost like a balloon which has been deflated and is whizzing around the room with no real direction but is powered and is moving along just fine. I'm sure some would read this and wonder if there will be a turn around or something. I'd respond with I can always inflate this again, but I don't feel as if it be appreciated as of yet, so I'll manage until I feel that I can..........

Retrospective Delayed.

Words are often meant to be the path to clarity and comprehension.

Thoughts and sentiments are the vehicles of expression.

What's mostly interrupts this - - - doubt.

Higher reasoning mammals given the ability to decide the "why's" and "how's" of situations often brings us to the precipice of doubt and second guessing. This is more than just instinctual decisiveness where most would say "I felt like I should go left instead of right" as opposed to reasoning their way through the numerous outcomes of where their decisions would bring them.

I speak of that sliver of space between the aforementioned where the slight hesitation, if magnified, could reveal more of the human psyche than a mere dice roll or palm reading.

For most, the act of thinking and processing of a decision or a reflection of decisions, is much more than consequential thinking. This is more directed toward affected thinking or vibrative emotion to a given idea, thought or situation. Simply, if a decision, not based or preceded by emotion is made - this is a solid and whole decision. However, if this has been given a moment of chance in thought, then doubt expands in the space given and creates permanency, solidifies, roots and remains. Combating the opportunity is to allow the free will and spirit of thought, to be strong and true to what it feels and not weaken when given an unclear path.


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This philosophical moment was brought to you by my philosophy class, the letter M and pink lemonade.

Tsunami thoughts towards Earth's tilt

You wouldn't be alive or human if you didn't pause for a second and feel compassion for our fellow human beings half a world away today. Regardless of what your faith, political position, or crankiness of life, it would be truly terrible if you didn't feel sad for the onslaught of photos and videos that were coming in from Japan today. I'm sure for many more days we will be hearing stories and seeing new videos of devastation and heartbreak. With many reporters making comparisons to Chile, Russia, Sumatra, etc, you can't help feel that we as mere inhabitants on this planet always tend to get so wrapped up in our own microcosms of life that we forget that within moments it's all gone.

It can be a tornado - as the mid-west of the US can attest to...
It can be a hurricane - Katrina, Gloria, Bob...
It can be volcanoes - Iceland's "Eyjafjallajökull", Italy's Mt. Vesuvius and Etna, Hawaii's Kīlauea and Mauna Loa...
It can be massive snow storms - ask anyone in the US east of Minnesota, Europe in 2010..
It can be torrential rain - recent flooding in Australia, Sri Lanka...

I mean, I can go on but it's too depressing already, right?

The point is, as my mother would say, we're only here in passing. Of course the meaning is vastly lost in the translation but she meant that what we do (in our lives) is a blip in the grand scheme of the world. Also, that what happens to the planet can always be redone (or corrected) whether we want it to or not. These were deep words for a woman of my mother's stature.

Now more than ever, I feel that we (and yes, I mean the universal we) need to remember that we are much more than the hottest gossip, blockbuster movie, newest phone or electronic gadget or car. I'm no expert in any field. Or brilliant scholar from ivy-leagued walls. I'm just putting some common sense pieces of thought together and have begun to think about what is more than this.

Mother nature definitely has a larger say in our lives than we give her credit for.

Tonight I'll light a candle and see what I can hear.