Aisle Locking

I saw you today.
I was shocked to see you there.
I was (back) in NYC and I saw you. I still can't believe that I saw you there. Walking with people towards me...it's rare that I remember feelings in the moment that things happen.
But I was not only shocked at the fact that we did the romcom locking eyes thing.
But that we both did the walk past turn back stare .....in synchronistic timing.

I've no idea when I'll see you again, but I love that I saw you again....then again.

See you soon.

More than likely....

More than likely...

I will stand your presence. But it doesn't mean your hand won't miss being in mine.
More than likely...
I will keep comments to myself. But know that I will always want to know what you meant.
More than likely...
I will look at you when you talk with me. But I will fight with restraint from having my soul be revealed by your eyes.
More than likely...
I will be present in the moments that we find ourselves together. But know that those moments I always want to continue without hesitation.
More than likely...
I will be respectful and genuine. But when asked, at any time in my life, I will never deny the connection I feel.

homonyms abound.

Today.
A breakthough.
Not sure how I never let it penetrate the inner walls of myself but it worked. Somehow between the sorting and shifting of ideas, stuff, memories, things.....I got it.
It wasn't a whack in the head or a deep breath of air.
It was more a "release" and I was finally okay with it.

So it's happening. It's "in process"....the music is blaring and I'm all in.

I'm feeling very nervously excited about it. The other side should be very interesting.

the biggest part of moving on......is letting go.... 

I didn't come up with it. 

Someone else knew exactly where I was going.

Dude.

I turn away and laugh and (nervously) smile

Recently someone asked me why I don't talk about myself (what I've seen/accomplished/done, etc) with others. I took a second, hesitation was clearly on my face and responded with "because those are my experiences" and then added some rather convincing blabber about people and attention spans and quickly got the subject changed....

I exhaled, put the matter on a shelf and went on with life. Until this morning.

I was busily searching through past pictures on my various drives (vacations/sights/off road snapshots etc) and felt a pang in my side. It wasn't the traveling bug that I have been suffering from as of late. This was something else.

The best way to describe it: wanting to share but knowing that once it's out there it can't go back. Nothing's hidden when you share it. Just like when you shared a note about that person you had your eye on before the dance in middle school and hoping that they would feel the same way about you.

I've put fear aside and shared a note recently. I hope that my ridiculous blabber can distract from the nerves that really want to shine through.

Instead the pang on my side reminds me it's there...

dude, get a grip.

This is not for me, but for the universe.

I've been living in this apartment building for a few months now and have been (off and on) listening to a couple argue across the hall. I'd say they're around my age. I know nothing more than what is said, I've never spoken to them nor exchanged pleasantries.

The thing is, it's a sad situation.

All I want the universe to know is that if you're finding yourself not happy - the world is big and vast. There's always a ying to the yang elsewhere - somewhere.
Look, I know we're not supposed to talk about it and I'm not saying that I'm a nosy busybody because I'm not.
I just know that finding peace and true happiness is so much more worth than all those unhappy moments.
I hope that they (whomever in the universe who needs it) finds it.

Trusting vulnerability

Most people believe, the act of opening yourself up to someone is easy. These same people I'm sure also can remember the precise moment when their courting took a turn in an unforeseen direction.

Vulnerability however, is a fluid space within you. You can fast pass someone into that space all you want as often as you want but if you're not a willing participant - you're wasting your time. 

The bigger question is to know what it is to be vulnerable and have vulnerability. 

Webster's says :

Full Definition of vulnerable

1:  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Now as a reader, your instinctual response is "Ew! I don't want to feel vulnerable." Or "I'm never vulnerable...in any of my relationships." But look at that same definition a bit deeper and then apply it to your viewpoints.
It's the ability or capability of being wounded. Are you falling on your medieval sword in the middle of a conversation? Not likely. The art of being vulnerable isn't a calculated effort. It's just being natural and true to yourself. Completely.


Why do most people get hung up on this? Easy! That F word. Fear.
I've traveled around enough and met/chatted with enough people, couples to know that this feeling is a true and valid one. It's just that, it's often mistreated as a flaw and not as a positive aspect to someone's personality.
Let me put this in easier terms. Being vulnerable in the act of Dating.
To be vulnerable for/with/during Dating is really the only way that you can be your most truest self to someone. Smiling during a topic of conversation which comes from deep within you will resonate to the other person and they will eventually feel what you are trying to convey. Telling a story about some fantastic journey or adventure and the look in your eyes as you describe what you felt like (or how you've become more animated); keeps control of the conversation for a few minutes longer than expected.

Spouses when they discuss vulnerability they almost always say they can pinpoint it to a situation or a moment when they knew their softer moments led each to one another. Couples already have surpassed this hurdle of confidence and assurance. It's all the other people in the world whom need to function without their better half that mucks it all up for the global world.

From online dating (which is blind-dating) to casual exchanging of information which becomes texting, relationship building is just that - small pieces of you creating something really great. The act of being vulnerable is not a negative one, it's the way you allow yourself to let go of all that came before that moment in time. That hashmark in your timeline of life, where all that is culminating brings you to that point of letting your truest feelings or feeling the tangible reality of who you are and what you want to convey shine through. 

Most people never get to this point in their lives. Some dance around it because the fear of being hurt paralyzes their chances to move forward and find happiness.


This isn't a criticism nor am I an expert. What I do know is personal growth and success comes from many facets. One of those, vulnerability is never one that most people mention or care to talk about.

Look to make it simple, oh dear wide world, vulnerability is an asset to human behavior. It's a quality that most people want. 

For friendships, shit, that's the only way to forge friendships. You have to be yourself and hope that others reciprocate. 

In courting and eventual relationships, it's what you want to have and find in that someone across from you. You want to share with them your stories about high school and crazy late night college stories. You want to hear about the most memorable places he/she has been and how their details make you want to be there too. You want to start feeling that smile creep up on your face and your insides start to burn up with that need to keep talking and find out more....

To be vulnerable....and having the chance to be vulnerable....and sharing vulnerability.......let's be true to the process - we all want it. We just want it in the ways that we are ready to accept it.

Please don't let your fear of vulernability scare you away from sharing yourself and starting a new adventure.

Live life! It's out there for you to take a chance on it.

:Prose writing over::

Tired. Just tired.

You know those moments when you happen to catch yourself in the corner of your eye and realize, "whoa. what just happened?" Well this has been my world for a little bit now. A long bit. I've had a few in my life. Just last week I had one. I was going through the motions of something then, I found myself standing, completely clueless, wondering "what now?" Typically I have answers or a solution for just about everything, it's just how my brain works. It constantly works on solutions and "outs". Last week though, I felt my skin struggling to understand the abruptness in the space time continuum. It took a few days to recover (that's code for catch up on sleep) but coming out on the other end I realize that I find myself feeling saddened, almost like a balloon which has been deflated and is whizzing around the room with no real direction but is powered and is moving along just fine. I'm sure some would read this and wonder if there will be a turn around or something. I'd respond with I can always inflate this again, but I don't feel as if it be appreciated as of yet, so I'll manage until I feel that I can..........