November fumbles.....love crumbles

After months and months, I finally find myself back to the safe space that helped me through some tough times. I appreciate that this space is mine and honor when needed. I also bow my head in writer's shame as I've let it collect dust like my workout clothes and my running shoes.

It comes as no surprise to my "great book" that I'll eventually write that I'm at yet - another crossroads.

In a relationship of over a year, living together about 3 months and change, it has come to a head that my partner did not foresee the relationship being as such. Unbeknownst to they, I have been searching for someone who wants to love me, be with me and grow old with me.

With my story having both my parents suffer and pass from an illness (cancer) and an only child, I find the idyllic image of love and heart-bursting joy - to be something so easy for most but nearly impossible in my life's journey.

They say, most of us are wired for skills and the rest for invention, for whomever is left. Love. Love big. Love entirely. Love to the four winds.


Such a wonderful image.
I'm not saying it's all Hallmark and roses...but I want something.
I aspire for something.
I look up to the stars for something.


So for now, I sit, in a chilly basement bedroom. Watching streaming tv on my phone with two dogs not mine, 1 cat that is mine a grumbling belly and 5 browser tabs open talking about rental places, credit card transfers and the news.

I'm sure I'll come back again tonight.

Aisle Locking

I saw you today.
I was shocked to see you there.
I was (back) in NYC and I saw you. I still can't believe that I saw you there. Walking with people towards me...it's rare that I remember feelings in the moment that things happen.
But I was not only shocked at the fact that we did the romcom locking eyes thing.
But that we both did the walk past turn back stare .....in synchronistic timing.

I've no idea when I'll see you again, but I love that I saw you again....then again.

See you soon.

More than likely....

More than likely...

I will stand your presence. But it doesn't mean your hand won't miss being in mine.
More than likely...
I will keep comments to myself. But know that I will always want to know what you meant.
More than likely...
I will look at you when you talk with me. But I will fight with restraint from having my soul be revealed by your eyes.
More than likely...
I will be present in the moments that we find ourselves together. But know that those moments I always want to continue without hesitation.
More than likely...
I will be respectful and genuine. But when asked, at any time in my life, I will never deny the connection I feel.

When there's not much to say

........sometimes you have to wonder.....

 

.....when will it be the right time?

 

They say it's all in the eyes

I was scanning the room while you were sipping on your drink. I had seen you play/pat with your hair when you caught a quick glance at my lips. When you shifted in your seat I leaned forward to gauge more of your body and what you were saying to me. You smiled back when I said something sweet and it caught you off guard. There was a moment there when our conversation never stopped, I exhaled in surprise and tried to cover up my ever growing smile but you caught me with your eyes that trapped me in that moment. There I knew,  you and I were in the right place of the universe.

Trusting vulnerability

Most people believe, the act of opening yourself up to someone is easy. These same people I'm sure also can remember the precise moment when their courting took a turn in an unforeseen direction.

Vulnerability however, is a fluid space within you. You can fast pass someone into that space all you want as often as you want but if you're not a willing participant - you're wasting your time. 

The bigger question is to know what it is to be vulnerable and have vulnerability. 

Webster's says :

Full Definition of vulnerable

1:  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Now as a reader, your instinctual response is "Ew! I don't want to feel vulnerable." Or "I'm never vulnerable...in any of my relationships." But look at that same definition a bit deeper and then apply it to your viewpoints.
It's the ability or capability of being wounded. Are you falling on your medieval sword in the middle of a conversation? Not likely. The art of being vulnerable isn't a calculated effort. It's just being natural and true to yourself. Completely.


Why do most people get hung up on this? Easy! That F word. Fear.
I've traveled around enough and met/chatted with enough people, couples to know that this feeling is a true and valid one. It's just that, it's often mistreated as a flaw and not as a positive aspect to someone's personality.
Let me put this in easier terms. Being vulnerable in the act of Dating.
To be vulnerable for/with/during Dating is really the only way that you can be your most truest self to someone. Smiling during a topic of conversation which comes from deep within you will resonate to the other person and they will eventually feel what you are trying to convey. Telling a story about some fantastic journey or adventure and the look in your eyes as you describe what you felt like (or how you've become more animated); keeps control of the conversation for a few minutes longer than expected.

Spouses when they discuss vulnerability they almost always say they can pinpoint it to a situation or a moment when they knew their softer moments led each to one another. Couples already have surpassed this hurdle of confidence and assurance. It's all the other people in the world whom need to function without their better half that mucks it all up for the global world.

From online dating (which is blind-dating) to casual exchanging of information which becomes texting, relationship building is just that - small pieces of you creating something really great. The act of being vulnerable is not a negative one, it's the way you allow yourself to let go of all that came before that moment in time. That hashmark in your timeline of life, where all that is culminating brings you to that point of letting your truest feelings or feeling the tangible reality of who you are and what you want to convey shine through. 

Most people never get to this point in their lives. Some dance around it because the fear of being hurt paralyzes their chances to move forward and find happiness.


This isn't a criticism nor am I an expert. What I do know is personal growth and success comes from many facets. One of those, vulnerability is never one that most people mention or care to talk about.

Look to make it simple, oh dear wide world, vulnerability is an asset to human behavior. It's a quality that most people want. 

For friendships, shit, that's the only way to forge friendships. You have to be yourself and hope that others reciprocate. 

In courting and eventual relationships, it's what you want to have and find in that someone across from you. You want to share with them your stories about high school and crazy late night college stories. You want to hear about the most memorable places he/she has been and how their details make you want to be there too. You want to start feeling that smile creep up on your face and your insides start to burn up with that need to keep talking and find out more....

To be vulnerable....and having the chance to be vulnerable....and sharing vulnerability.......let's be true to the process - we all want it. We just want it in the ways that we are ready to accept it.

Please don't let your fear of vulernability scare you away from sharing yourself and starting a new adventure.

Live life! It's out there for you to take a chance on it.

:Prose writing over::

Said around a bonfire

Last night, around a bonfire, a friend's husband asked me (again) who am I interested in. Meaning in no brief words "Why aren't you dating someone?" Per his typical, albeit drunken seriousness I engaged him in this conversation. Firstly, mainly because I know that he means well. Second, well because at this rate anyone's opinion needs to be of help.

We laughed for a bit and joked about how another friend in the group was "swiping" left/right and commenting on how many people of the inexplicable numbers have already met in the same "speakeasy" lounge...unbeknownst to them. I laughed and said, quite smartly, "yeah but how many of them have had a physical interaction with?". I didn't say it to bring shame upon the friend, nor was it to make it seem that there was something wrong with sex. I was merely pointing out that the online world is rather askew as of late and this, dear friends, is what is disconcerting.

Trust me, this isn't in any way me psyching myself out or saying that "the hope is lost" - no it isn't. However I will freely admit that the hope is currently stuck on the lazy susan of choices. I wouldn't call it neutral because life still happens, but I will say that my choices of the online nature are really out there. I wish there was a way to make them all be tangible and :then: be able to persue whomever, but damn, this crap is getting harder and harder each time around.

My hope is this, if you're online, be open-minded.
If you're open-minded then read someone's wording.
Read the wording and picture the person's "voice".
Picture the person's "voice" then flip through their snapshots.
See their snapshots then take a chance.
If we all were to operate the same way I feel like there would be a lot more success stories than the small percentage that exists currently.

Otherwise, at least be decent at sex.

Just sayin'.

A table for two

There are many moments in our life when we feel that the endless turns never stop coming. If you're single, you've been an active participant on the spinning wheel of the dating scene. As an active participant of life I'm willingly putting myself onto the wheel this evening. The wheel? You wonder. The wheel is one night of speed dating. That's right. You know of it. You've heard stories from it. And I'm well, starving reader, I'm doing it.

Now I know. you're saying to yourself. Who does these things? I thought that was only on those basic cable channels where the people who are profiled are crazy and out of their minds drunk on their egos and lacking in other areas. Well I can assure you, I am in no way a overflowing with my own ego nor am I missing any screws.

To me, this process (because I think it's fair to call it a process) should be tried at least once. We know, our society is based on looks, neither mine nor my eventual partner could deny that, but something needs to be said about taking the opportunity to sell your best self for someone who could eventually grow to like you.

Notwithstanding, I do akin this speed dating to lilypads and frogs. I just hope I don't get stuck alone out there in the deep murky swamp.