How Dorothy and Toto changed the world

This is a commentary not on the movie (sorry movie fans) but on a most sincere song. Now, men or women will have to admit on some level that this is a nice sweet song. I don't mean that most won't shed a tear over it, but there's something about this version that just makes me tear and think about my parents and life in general. I unfortunately can place my finger on just one feeling but it always overwhelms me and gets me missing them....

Tis the season for .....

It's Sunday. Just a few minutes before 1pm. Football game w/ Steelers v Ravens. I'm actually in the mood to watch a good game today. Tonight of course is The Amazing Race. I'm not even going to talk about what a big fan I am of this show.

It's gorgeous out. The sky is so blue. It's that fall blue, you know? The sun is shining and there's a great brisk breeze out. Therefore, all the windows are wide open and it feels great.

I did think about my parents today. I mean I think about them every day, but today I actually allowed myself to tear up and cry a little bit when I got to thinking about the weather and then the holidays and then family friends and I got to recalling such fun memories with everyone and wondering where they all are. I realize that it's up to me in this near future to reach out to all of them and write to them and to tell them that I miss and love them all very much. I feel that my recent journey and losing my parents have made me feel as if I have to tell them how much they mean to me, because if I don't, they will never know. I really need to do that soon. I'd like to get cards out to them soon especially for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think if I keep this up (journaling/documenting how I feel) then I'll get the nerve up to do it.

I think I want pizza for dinner. I'm in no mood to cook.

Money Misgivings

I was asleep. I was dreaming about how I will be able to make ends meet. I was trying to juggle cc statements and bills and I can recall there being a large purchase that was just made that I was responsible for. My parents were alive and the purchase was for an event or for a show of some sort. I remember feeling absolutely awful because I wasn't able to be home to open my mail and sort things out. Items strewed around the house were in disarray and my mother was trying her best to help out. She had opened my mail. She came to me with a familiar face and began asking me questions about how I was money strapped and if I was able to make payments for the bills that I had. This conversation of course was in Spanish so I could instantly tell her intonation and concern (anger) in her words. I confessed and told her I was worried. I began to cry because I didn't know what to do and I had no idea how/when I'd be able to find a job and make payments. She put her hand on my shoulder and said that it is hard but that something will work out. She just said that I have to be honest with myself and that by working hard something will eventually work out. I cried and smiled some more. She leaned in for a hug. That's when I realized I knew I was dreaming and she wasn't really there. My mother was never really a hugger. I never really felt comfortable giving her hugs until later in her life. She wasn't a cold person, she just carried a strong personality that never outwardly showed her feelings unless it was in an angry or upset way. I never understood that until the end.

While dreaming, I began to think about all the years my mother spent without her mother. No guidance to help in child rearing how she basically had to define the world for herself and settle for what it gave back to her. She worked hard but I often wonder how happy she actually was. I work up thinking I was in tears but wasn't. I woke up feeling worried and realizing that I was in that exact stage with no idea what to do.

Family Envy

Since starting this blog, I think the most remarkable and touching thing that I have found is how wonderful the stories of other people's family lives are. I mean, for me, it brings up envy and wishing that I could've had that growing up. Or have been in a nuturing environment in my formative years.

That's not to say that I was unhappy with my parents, or didn't like my experiences, because I definitely did. I just think that maybe for the longest of years, I have been searching for those rom com stories. Those adolescent moments between a mother and daughter. Or father and daughter. Where in the end there was an understanding there and love was shown.

I'm sitting here and writing and I'm filled with tears. It's not to say that I didn't like my parents because I do. It's just that unreachable wish that maybe, if not once, I could have had one thing that all those other families had. It could be small and insignificant....but it doesn't matter now.
Again, it's not to say that I don't appreciate what I have now, because I know very well that if I didn't endure what I went through, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Still, though, I look and read those blogs and smile. I smile for them but am sad.

To those families, I wish you many years of happiness and enjoy all the moments as we know they are fleeting. As for me, I will continue to read as much as I can and feel as if I could be a distant cousin in their life stories.

Sincerely,
Distant Cousin LQ twice removed