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As I was walking to my car tonight, I finally got a chance to look up. I miss looking up.
The sky seems so wide and vast. The insignificance of where I was coming from to where I needed to go reminded me of so many things that I was forgetting to do.

When there's not much to say

........sometimes you have to wonder.....

 

.....when will it be the right time?

 

Napkin Diaries - Chapter 3 The far off glance

Today like most days the sun was beating in through the windows of the shop. I never really tended to them, I always had the customers do what they want with them. Usually like most days, I made sure that the blinds of the window closest to her seat were partially drawn so she could stare off down the city walk watching the cars and people intertwine during their morning routines. She comes in, casually dressed; jeans, some sort of heeled boot and a colorful scarf that always seemed to grab my attention no matter how busy I was behind the bar.

When she comes in you could see the friendly expression on her face. Her smile made her eyes twinkle and she pushed her hair behind her ear when she was about to order. It was cute and it drove me crazy. She'd wait in line casually scanning the shop, never really examining who was there or what was going on, but in her own way she knew exactly who was there sharing the same space with her. She was observant and friendly but shy. The hundreds of times she made it to the counter to order I would try to attempt anything to start talking with her. Mostly to my own shyness I would just settle on talking about the day's weather. She was always obliging to engage me but man, I wanted to reach out and tuck that piece of hair behind her ear just once. She's adorable. She'd pay me and then shift down the counter and occasionally I would steal glances at her. She'd be biting her lip or scanning something on her phone which made her secretly smile. I would believe that I was the only one who was catching those private moments. No one else saw them. No one else was watching us.

"On your left," I hear from Sasha a local college freshman who has been working here for over a year. "Heading to the fridge." I turn around to my left and slam my left knee into the fridge door. I hate these mini half size fridges. This below the counter stuff is dangerous.

Bending down to rub it, Sasha whispers over to me, "Did you try to talk with her today, Will? I mean anything at all?" She's shoving cream, 2% and whipped cream cans into the fridge and meets my gaze of pain.

"Well....no. Not today." My voice trailed off and I stood up and let out a long sigh as I saw her sit facing into the sun at her usual seat enjoying the partially drawn blinds I left for her. My smile must have been noticeable as my ribs felt a poke coming from Sasha to jolt me out of my stare. "You should. You need to. At least before she sees you drooling in her direction." I shoot her a look and she shuts the fridge door and shrugs. I know she's right. I will. I just don't know when.

They say it's all in the eyes

I was scanning the room while you were sipping on your drink. I had seen you play/pat with your hair when you caught a quick glance at my lips. When you shifted in your seat I leaned forward to gauge more of your body and what you were saying to me. You smiled back when I said something sweet and it caught you off guard. There was a moment there when our conversation never stopped, I exhaled in surprise and tried to cover up my ever growing smile but you caught me with your eyes that trapped me in that moment. There I knew,  you and I were in the right place of the universe.

Trusting vulnerability

Most people believe, the act of opening yourself up to someone is easy. These same people I'm sure also can remember the precise moment when their courting took a turn in an unforeseen direction.

Vulnerability however, is a fluid space within you. You can fast pass someone into that space all you want as often as you want but if you're not a willing participant - you're wasting your time. 

The bigger question is to know what it is to be vulnerable and have vulnerability. 

Webster's says :

Full Definition of vulnerable

1:  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Now as a reader, your instinctual response is "Ew! I don't want to feel vulnerable." Or "I'm never vulnerable...in any of my relationships." But look at that same definition a bit deeper and then apply it to your viewpoints.
It's the ability or capability of being wounded. Are you falling on your medieval sword in the middle of a conversation? Not likely. The art of being vulnerable isn't a calculated effort. It's just being natural and true to yourself. Completely.


Why do most people get hung up on this? Easy! That F word. Fear.
I've traveled around enough and met/chatted with enough people, couples to know that this feeling is a true and valid one. It's just that, it's often mistreated as a flaw and not as a positive aspect to someone's personality.
Let me put this in easier terms. Being vulnerable in the act of Dating.
To be vulnerable for/with/during Dating is really the only way that you can be your most truest self to someone. Smiling during a topic of conversation which comes from deep within you will resonate to the other person and they will eventually feel what you are trying to convey. Telling a story about some fantastic journey or adventure and the look in your eyes as you describe what you felt like (or how you've become more animated); keeps control of the conversation for a few minutes longer than expected.

Spouses when they discuss vulnerability they almost always say they can pinpoint it to a situation or a moment when they knew their softer moments led each to one another. Couples already have surpassed this hurdle of confidence and assurance. It's all the other people in the world whom need to function without their better half that mucks it all up for the global world.

From online dating (which is blind-dating) to casual exchanging of information which becomes texting, relationship building is just that - small pieces of you creating something really great. The act of being vulnerable is not a negative one, it's the way you allow yourself to let go of all that came before that moment in time. That hashmark in your timeline of life, where all that is culminating brings you to that point of letting your truest feelings or feeling the tangible reality of who you are and what you want to convey shine through. 

Most people never get to this point in their lives. Some dance around it because the fear of being hurt paralyzes their chances to move forward and find happiness.


This isn't a criticism nor am I an expert. What I do know is personal growth and success comes from many facets. One of those, vulnerability is never one that most people mention or care to talk about.

Look to make it simple, oh dear wide world, vulnerability is an asset to human behavior. It's a quality that most people want. 

For friendships, shit, that's the only way to forge friendships. You have to be yourself and hope that others reciprocate. 

In courting and eventual relationships, it's what you want to have and find in that someone across from you. You want to share with them your stories about high school and crazy late night college stories. You want to hear about the most memorable places he/she has been and how their details make you want to be there too. You want to start feeling that smile creep up on your face and your insides start to burn up with that need to keep talking and find out more....

To be vulnerable....and having the chance to be vulnerable....and sharing vulnerability.......let's be true to the process - we all want it. We just want it in the ways that we are ready to accept it.

Please don't let your fear of vulernability scare you away from sharing yourself and starting a new adventure.

Live life! It's out there for you to take a chance on it.

:Prose writing over::

Ode to a marshmallow

Tis true they say,
the puff'd white friend,
cometh best when the days grow long.

It be in three sizes,
wee, big and grand,
all of which taste best with cocoa.

The secret of this friend,
quiet, smooshy and light,
when dropped in the steaming hot drink...

it sinks, it melts, its frothy gooey-like layers my drink and disguises the cocoa below.

My stirring spoon creates wispy cumulonimbus marshy clouds in my mug as my fingertips get warmed to the touch.

I stop and question, "Why then do I recall only receiving like 5 mini marshmallows in my mug when I was a kid? Was there a shortage?"

It is clear, that as an adult I am now making up for all those weakened cups of cocoa that went without.

Happy Sipping.......

The Neverending Paragraph

As many before me have said, Graduate school is tough. Tough on the mind. Tough on the soul. Tough on your life. Tough on your.... well you get the dreariness of it all. Well right now, I'm in the "if I have to conjoin two more phrases in prose text with a theme and substantiated proofs I may just die" phase, because even after 8 days I still have 3 papers remaining before the end of the week.

But that's not what's really important now is it? Yes, it does explain why I haven't written about the most interesting things that I have come across (all of which I have conveniently bookmarked so I can comment [er, trash] in my own leisure at a later date) but the fact that interestingly enough, I have had a few pangs of nostalgia hit me in the past few days.

Not quite sure how I have been having these moments, or lapses in mental judgment, but I have. Hey I am human after all.

Quite honestly though, I'll have to think on that and see where it's coming from.

Is it because another birthday is nearing?

Is it because I'm feeling emotionally unattached or looking to be attached? (Yes, I got this straight from a men's health magazine. I'd never admit that on my own.)

Is it because I think of the many roads and paths that I have taken and wonder, hey I could be doing this now or I could be with him/her right now!

Or maybe it's because I'm beginning to think about the openness of the world again and how at any moment I can choose to make a left instead of a right and not get on the elevator and go for a walk instead.....

In part I think it just means, that somehow, I am finding myself again. The me that I remember from college. The one who was just enjoying the moment and didn't care.

Let's see if the next few choices I make are in line with who that person was. We shall see....
But for now it's goodbye to the readers of few, the prose of many, the themes for words that are yet to be written....

Inhale....hold....Exhale....Release!

After feeling ill for such a while (okay like 9 days) and then realizing the fantastic world was flying by I had made notes of all the randomness and idiotic (and idiosyncrasies) that had overtaken the world by storm during those days. Unfortunately, those thoughts were written on tissues and tossed them after during a bout of massive disinfection of my room and other areas.

Shame really. I had some zingers.

Nonetheless, I'm SURE these lunacies will come back and I'll grab them and jot them down. Because really, the world is a massive ball of insight and luminous individuals...some of which, are just pure crazy and THAT is what makes everything regain balance! LOL

Since the illness that plagued everything including my appetite, I have been juggling school, life, the world, self-discovery, and dealing with ppl all at the same time. And unfortunately no solid conclusion has been made as of yet, but I hope that before my time on this planet comes to an end........something will become definitive. Right? Let's hope.

Napkin Diaries -Monday's observations

• I saw my first bluebird of the season this morning.
• 
  
• Holy crap - gas is expensive!
• 
  
• Yes I did witness and almost accident on the highway yesterday between an 18wheeler and 2 compact cars. It got even more dicey when the 2nd car to pass the truck was almost pinned to the divider and "thanked" the trucker by slamming on his brakes and slowing down in front of him. Mocking him through his rear-view. Yes I saw the whole thing. And yes, I was driving safely.
• 
  
• I am getting tired of writing papers. Well not entirely, I know it's not going to be over any time soon but I know my brain needs a break at some point.
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• I saw a jogger on the road and thought, that was me a year ago, man, I really need to get back to that daily torture.
  

ND: What writing papers has done to me

An Original verse.....

A pencil a pen and a highlighter are talking in a drawer. The pencil says I hope my lead is good enough to finish I’d hate to disappoint. Nah the pen says, you’re all right. The highlighter says I can’t want to see my way and mark it all over from top to bottom. You should be fine, the pen says. Well what about you, the pencil asks the pen. Well, considering that I’m always lost when someone needs me, when they do put their grip on me and find me, I usually just drip all over their hands. -

Napkin Diaries 2002

sometimes the puffy white clouds appear to be sweeter than cotton candy as my hands are sticky from the hot melting sun and i am w/o my water or my hope of finding a napkin in an auto shop

9.16.2002