Money Misgivings

I was asleep. I was dreaming about how I will be able to make ends meet. I was trying to juggle cc statements and bills and I can recall there being a large purchase that was just made that I was responsible for. My parents were alive and the purchase was for an event or for a show of some sort. I remember feeling absolutely awful because I wasn't able to be home to open my mail and sort things out. Items strewed around the house were in disarray and my mother was trying her best to help out. She had opened my mail. She came to me with a familiar face and began asking me questions about how I was money strapped and if I was able to make payments for the bills that I had. This conversation of course was in Spanish so I could instantly tell her intonation and concern (anger) in her words. I confessed and told her I was worried. I began to cry because I didn't know what to do and I had no idea how/when I'd be able to find a job and make payments. She put her hand on my shoulder and said that it is hard but that something will work out. She just said that I have to be honest with myself and that by working hard something will eventually work out. I cried and smiled some more. She leaned in for a hug. That's when I realized I knew I was dreaming and she wasn't really there. My mother was never really a hugger. I never really felt comfortable giving her hugs until later in her life. She wasn't a cold person, she just carried a strong personality that never outwardly showed her feelings unless it was in an angry or upset way. I never understood that until the end.

While dreaming, I began to think about all the years my mother spent without her mother. No guidance to help in child rearing how she basically had to define the world for herself and settle for what it gave back to her. She worked hard but I often wonder how happy she actually was. I work up thinking I was in tears but wasn't. I woke up feeling worried and realizing that I was in that exact stage with no idea what to do.

Another 5k

So tomorrow I have planned to do another race. Yes, it's for a great cause and yes, I will get my lazy bum out of bed for it. It's early, 7:15am registration and per usual, since I find these races out late, I'll be paying more. It's ok, I've already decided since it's all for a good cause, it's worth it. I'm just trying to write it down here, just so that if by 11pm tonight I feel like ditching at the last minute, I'll see this and remember that I have to do it.

It's similar to Marty McFly and Back to the Future II when he had to get his mom off of him and back to his dad or else he and his siblings wouldn't exist, etc.

Random thinking yes, but it made sense to me.

The Price is Right

No really. It's true. I can't seem to not like, The Price is Right. I've tried. Lord knows I've had. It's almost like withdrawl. I don't know maybe it's deeper than that. I mean, what other tv game show can bring out such pure fun!?
(Ok fine. Yes the "Whammys" are fun on Press your Luck but as much as we think they are cool, we HATE them because they take our money and prizes away!)

I mean aside from the fact that it's a day-time game show shot in California, people line up the night before outside the studio to have a chance to get a numbered bracelet to even get IN to the studio! THEN, they file in and sit and hope to be chosen for about 6 pricing games (sometimes more) and then HOPE that they guess close to even get to play. AND THEN if you still have nails left, pray that you don't mess up on national television!

It's great! I love it. I love shouting out at the TV and tell them that a 6 pack of juice is less than a 5 pack of vaccuum bags.

C'mon it's pure fun. Don't knock it until you've sat through one. You'll be hooked or better yet, be saying that you could've figured it out before the contestant. Ha.

Discovery Health - maternity ward

Waking up this morning, I channel surfed to Discovery Health and a show about mother about to give birth. I had found it interesting as it was focusing all different types of high risk pregnancies from young mothers to babies born with some sort of medical emergency. So very interesting. I never usually get caught up in shows like these. A- because it reminds me how I'm so alone in this world when it comes to this topic and B- it makes me appreciate my future choice of motherhood that much more.

A particular story did touch me. It was about a mother of 44, who is about to have her 2nd child 21 yrs after her first. Yes, I know. Wow. Her daughter was there, with her daughter (granddaughter), husband was unbelievably amazing and the doctor, was like no doctor I have ever encountered in my life. (It would be this demeanor that I wish I had encountered with my parents for so many occassions.) The delivery seemed to go well (tv editing, you know how it is) the husband was translating for the wife during the times that she really needed support. It was very sweet to see his calming manner and his serene touch walking his wife through every step, you would have thought they had done this just yesterday and not 21 years earlier. The nurses also were impressed with his caring of his wife and how in control and patient he was while being the support that she needed. Of course everyone was nervous, she was considered a high risk case, anything can happen.

The delivery went fine. Everyone cried. The doctor was commenting on how he couldn't imagine doing anything else, when all of a sudden the doctor congratulates the father. The father in turn speaking in his clear English with a bit of an accent says, "Life is precious and full of priceless things. This was priceless. Although I don't have much money I wanted to give you this to say thank you for what life you have given us is just priceless." Of course I'm paraphrasing what he said, but this left the doctor speechless as he received the two yellow-red mixed roses in a small bottle with water. He was trying to say thank you and just became overwhelmed and was speechless again. They show him reading a card, which I'm assuming is a thank you card to the doctor, and he says again that he was so touched....

My eyes filled with tears and it just made me happy. Terribly happy and terribly sad. I realized that I'll be alone in this journey. Kids, rearing, caring, steps, etc....and my parents won't have their hand in it.

I always mention to people, those whom I have just met, to appreciate their families, no matter the stressors or tensions, never really telling them why.

I'm thinking I should stop watching these shows while channel surfing. lol. There has to be some bad reality tv on.....somewhere.

Family Envy

Since starting this blog, I think the most remarkable and touching thing that I have found is how wonderful the stories of other people's family lives are. I mean, for me, it brings up envy and wishing that I could've had that growing up. Or have been in a nuturing environment in my formative years.

That's not to say that I was unhappy with my parents, or didn't like my experiences, because I definitely did. I just think that maybe for the longest of years, I have been searching for those rom com stories. Those adolescent moments between a mother and daughter. Or father and daughter. Where in the end there was an understanding there and love was shown.

I'm sitting here and writing and I'm filled with tears. It's not to say that I didn't like my parents because I do. It's just that unreachable wish that maybe, if not once, I could have had one thing that all those other families had. It could be small and insignificant....but it doesn't matter now.
Again, it's not to say that I don't appreciate what I have now, because I know very well that if I didn't endure what I went through, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Still, though, I look and read those blogs and smile. I smile for them but am sad.

To those families, I wish you many years of happiness and enjoy all the moments as we know they are fleeting. As for me, I will continue to read as much as I can and feel as if I could be a distant cousin in their life stories.

Sincerely,
Distant Cousin LQ twice removed

This cat and Dove

Apparently I have forgotten how much animals are attracted to so many different scents from their humans.

This cat I live with is no exception. She is not mine, but apparently every day, she vies for my affection whichever way she can.

One way which has caught my attention happens right after I take a shower. I'll sit down, she'll come over and stare at me asking me "where did I come from?" A few seconds later, since I'm not watching her, I'll feel a tickling sensation on my toes. I look down and see her not only smelling them but rubbing her face all over my feet.

At one point I thought she was into feet. A kitty with a foot fetish! But, it turns out to be that she loves the Dove soap that I use. How interesting that this feline wants to be experiencing the cool, crisp, clean scents with moisturizing beads on her fur.

I laugh at her. I can't help it, she's tickling me. She eyes me wide-eyed then runs away.

I guess the love affair is over as fast as it was started.

Who to choose?

I just came across a question that will be on my mind for a least the next few mo's (moments)...

whom do I find more attractive...Clive Owen or Gerard Butler?

It's a rather troubling decision. I mean both have accents. Both are dashingly handsome men. Both have similar eye coloring and hair. The comparison lists could go on I'm sure.

*sigh*

Maybe I'll just let this one lie a bit and ponder having them both over for tea.....