It happened 15 years ago...

You opened an account. It got you through some hairy times. You then flow through life with so many experiences and situations and forget your true self. You stumble across some amazing humans who then turn into your most valuable pieces of your now history. This account you forgot comes back into view and you jump through the hoops again to land right back into the inviting spaces that you needed when you had no other places to go. It's nice to be back. I didn't realize I'd miss it as much as I would.

Is this thing on? 🎙

Does this dusty old thing work? 🎙🎙

I’m teary eyed sitting on the floor of my bedroom realizing that I’m finding myself asking someone to spend time with me. Again. During the holidays. I’m competing with virtual people.  

The last time this occurred, I had a conversation and ended the situation. History may have repeated itself. 

I’ve been battling frustration.

Frustration and stagnancy. Two things I hate together.

I hate that I’m finding myself in a place that I never would have dreamed years ago. I hate that my “old” self has gone dormant to this “forced” adult that is behind this screen. 

I always asked in the past, “when will things be different?”. Of course, we know as people, change starts from oneself; from within. Here as I sit on the floor I ask again, “why do you deal with this?” 

“Because I have to” is my canned response. 

I can peel back this onion another time.

I just wanted the words to float out there…. I feel it, I know it, and I need things to change.

Heading somewhere with a disabled GPS

More often than not, when things change you have to quickly find a way to adjust where you are going.

Which then means, the direction you thought you were heading towards, is shelved to accommodate for a quick turn subject to an unknown destination.

November fumbles.....love crumbles

After months and months, I finally find myself back to the safe space that helped me through some tough times. I appreciate that this space is mine and honor when needed. I also bow my head in writer's shame as I've let it collect dust like my workout clothes and my running shoes.

It comes as no surprise to my "great book" that I'll eventually write that I'm at yet - another crossroads.

In a relationship of over a year, living together about 3 months and change, it has come to a head that my partner did not foresee the relationship being as such. Unbeknownst to they, I have been searching for someone who wants to love me, be with me and grow old with me.

With my story having both my parents suffer and pass from an illness (cancer) and an only child, I find the idyllic image of love and heart-bursting joy - to be something so easy for most but nearly impossible in my life's journey.

They say, most of us are wired for skills and the rest for invention, for whomever is left. Love. Love big. Love entirely. Love to the four winds.


Such a wonderful image.
I'm not saying it's all Hallmark and roses...but I want something.
I aspire for something.
I look up to the stars for something.


So for now, I sit, in a chilly basement bedroom. Watching streaming tv on my phone with two dogs not mine, 1 cat that is mine a grumbling belly and 5 browser tabs open talking about rental places, credit card transfers and the news.

I'm sure I'll come back again tonight.

over the past 72 hours

Every time I allow (myself) my guard to fall and my feelings to surface, I hear my heart crack a bit. The empty ache to feel loved or be the ache in someone else’s heart... makes me sad and tears roll on my cheek. Will I be that for someone? Will I find someone who will show me the love that everyone proclaims is the love you’ll know when you sense it? I await and I hope but my vulnerability ends now.

You again

In the end of my chaotic week, I finally laid my head down to sleep. In the middle of my dream I saw you again. We were a couple. We were in love. We were magnets in magnetic love. We were traveling to a friend's wedding and we were so desperately in love. Your eyes read my heart and your smile cut through my soul. It was the happiest I had ever been and you professed the same.

As I awoke, in one to two blinks, I realized it was You again. It had been so long I almost questioned who you were. You had disappeared from my mind for so long that your return was so familiar, it was seamless and my mind knew it.

Who are you?
Where are you?
Why do you keep coming back over and over again?
Will I meet you soon?
The future is bright... present yourself to me.

Aisle Locking

I saw you today.
I was shocked to see you there.
I was (back) in NYC and I saw you. I still can't believe that I saw you there. Walking with people towards me...it's rare that I remember feelings in the moment that things happen.
But I was not only shocked at the fact that we did the romcom locking eyes thing.
But that we both did the walk past turn back stare .....in synchronistic timing.

I've no idea when I'll see you again, but I love that I saw you again....then again.

See you soon.

Up

As I was walking to my car tonight, I finally got a chance to look up. I miss looking up.
The sky seems so wide and vast. The insignificance of where I was coming from to where I needed to go reminded me of so many things that I was forgetting to do.

More than likely....

More than likely...

I will stand your presence. But it doesn't mean your hand won't miss being in mine.
More than likely...
I will keep comments to myself. But know that I will always want to know what you meant.
More than likely...
I will look at you when you talk with me. But I will fight with restraint from having my soul be revealed by your eyes.
More than likely...
I will be present in the moments that we find ourselves together. But know that those moments I always want to continue without hesitation.
More than likely...
I will be respectful and genuine. But when asked, at any time in my life, I will never deny the connection I feel.

When there's not much to say

........sometimes you have to wonder.....

 

.....when will it be the right time?

 

homonyms abound.

Today.
A breakthough.
Not sure how I never let it penetrate the inner walls of myself but it worked. Somehow between the sorting and shifting of ideas, stuff, memories, things.....I got it.
It wasn't a whack in the head or a deep breath of air.
It was more a "release" and I was finally okay with it.

So it's happening. It's "in process"....the music is blaring and I'm all in.

I'm feeling very nervously excited about it. The other side should be very interesting.

the biggest part of moving on......is letting go.... 

I didn't come up with it. 

Someone else knew exactly where I was going.

Dude.

I turn away and laugh and (nervously) smile

Recently someone asked me why I don't talk about myself (what I've seen/accomplished/done, etc) with others. I took a second, hesitation was clearly on my face and responded with "because those are my experiences" and then added some rather convincing blabber about people and attention spans and quickly got the subject changed....

I exhaled, put the matter on a shelf and went on with life. Until this morning.

I was busily searching through past pictures on my various drives (vacations/sights/off road snapshots etc) and felt a pang in my side. It wasn't the traveling bug that I have been suffering from as of late. This was something else.

The best way to describe it: wanting to share but knowing that once it's out there it can't go back. Nothing's hidden when you share it. Just like when you shared a note about that person you had your eye on before the dance in middle school and hoping that they would feel the same way about you.

I've put fear aside and shared a note recently. I hope that my ridiculous blabber can distract from the nerves that really want to shine through.

Instead the pang on my side reminds me it's there...

Napkin Diaries - Chapter 3 The far off glance

Today like most days the sun was beating in through the windows of the shop. I never really tended to them, I always had the customers do what they want with them. Usually like most days, I made sure that the blinds of the window closest to her seat were partially drawn so she could stare off down the city walk watching the cars and people intertwine during their morning routines. She comes in, casually dressed; jeans, some sort of heeled boot and a colorful scarf that always seemed to grab my attention no matter how busy I was behind the bar.

When she comes in you could see the friendly expression on her face. Her smile made her eyes twinkle and she pushed her hair behind her ear when she was about to order. It was cute and it drove me crazy. She'd wait in line casually scanning the shop, never really examining who was there or what was going on, but in her own way she knew exactly who was there sharing the same space with her. She was observant and friendly but shy. The hundreds of times she made it to the counter to order I would try to attempt anything to start talking with her. Mostly to my own shyness I would just settle on talking about the day's weather. She was always obliging to engage me but man, I wanted to reach out and tuck that piece of hair behind her ear just once. She's adorable. She'd pay me and then shift down the counter and occasionally I would steal glances at her. She'd be biting her lip or scanning something on her phone which made her secretly smile. I would believe that I was the only one who was catching those private moments. No one else saw them. No one else was watching us.

"On your left," I hear from Sasha a local college freshman who has been working here for over a year. "Heading to the fridge." I turn around to my left and slam my left knee into the fridge door. I hate these mini half size fridges. This below the counter stuff is dangerous.

Bending down to rub it, Sasha whispers over to me, "Did you try to talk with her today, Will? I mean anything at all?" She's shoving cream, 2% and whipped cream cans into the fridge and meets my gaze of pain.

"Well....no. Not today." My voice trailed off and I stood up and let out a long sigh as I saw her sit facing into the sun at her usual seat enjoying the partially drawn blinds I left for her. My smile must have been noticeable as my ribs felt a poke coming from Sasha to jolt me out of my stare. "You should. You need to. At least before she sees you drooling in her direction." I shoot her a look and she shuts the fridge door and shrugs. I know she's right. I will. I just don't know when.

They say it's all in the eyes

I was scanning the room while you were sipping on your drink. I had seen you play/pat with your hair when you caught a quick glance at my lips. When you shifted in your seat I leaned forward to gauge more of your body and what you were saying to me. You smiled back when I said something sweet and it caught you off guard. There was a moment there when our conversation never stopped, I exhaled in surprise and tried to cover up my ever growing smile but you caught me with your eyes that trapped me in that moment. There I knew,  you and I were in the right place of the universe.

dude, get a grip.

This is not for me, but for the universe.

I've been living in this apartment building for a few months now and have been (off and on) listening to a couple argue across the hall. I'd say they're around my age. I know nothing more than what is said, I've never spoken to them nor exchanged pleasantries.

The thing is, it's a sad situation.

All I want the universe to know is that if you're finding yourself not happy - the world is big and vast. There's always a ying to the yang elsewhere - somewhere.
Look, I know we're not supposed to talk about it and I'm not saying that I'm a nosy busybody because I'm not.
I just know that finding peace and true happiness is so much more worth than all those unhappy moments.
I hope that they (whomever in the universe who needs it) finds it.

Sad, but true.

I learned the other day that the skill of sarcasm is dying off. I was talking with a few people I ran into and realized that not only is the art of sarcasm a skill but many people feel that they know what it is, attempt it and fail miserably at it.

Now this isn't a time for preaching, because I'm in no way a "know it all" but just think generations would be better if we had a little more Puddy and Jerry in our lives.

Or even the dead pan delivery.

Good god, give me one good dead pan zinger and the work day would pass by better!

The odds have to be in my favor if one person out of 65 can have a sense of humor and have some good delivery.

It's gotta be that New Yorker that is yearning for some camaraderie here. lol.

Trusting vulnerability

Most people believe, the act of opening yourself up to someone is easy. These same people I'm sure also can remember the precise moment when their courting took a turn in an unforeseen direction.

Vulnerability however, is a fluid space within you. You can fast pass someone into that space all you want as often as you want but if you're not a willing participant - you're wasting your time. 

The bigger question is to know what it is to be vulnerable and have vulnerability. 

Webster's says :

Full Definition of vulnerable

1:  capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Now as a reader, your instinctual response is "Ew! I don't want to feel vulnerable." Or "I'm never vulnerable...in any of my relationships." But look at that same definition a bit deeper and then apply it to your viewpoints.
It's the ability or capability of being wounded. Are you falling on your medieval sword in the middle of a conversation? Not likely. The art of being vulnerable isn't a calculated effort. It's just being natural and true to yourself. Completely.


Why do most people get hung up on this? Easy! That F word. Fear.
I've traveled around enough and met/chatted with enough people, couples to know that this feeling is a true and valid one. It's just that, it's often mistreated as a flaw and not as a positive aspect to someone's personality.
Let me put this in easier terms. Being vulnerable in the act of Dating.
To be vulnerable for/with/during Dating is really the only way that you can be your most truest self to someone. Smiling during a topic of conversation which comes from deep within you will resonate to the other person and they will eventually feel what you are trying to convey. Telling a story about some fantastic journey or adventure and the look in your eyes as you describe what you felt like (or how you've become more animated); keeps control of the conversation for a few minutes longer than expected.

Spouses when they discuss vulnerability they almost always say they can pinpoint it to a situation or a moment when they knew their softer moments led each to one another. Couples already have surpassed this hurdle of confidence and assurance. It's all the other people in the world whom need to function without their better half that mucks it all up for the global world.

From online dating (which is blind-dating) to casual exchanging of information which becomes texting, relationship building is just that - small pieces of you creating something really great. The act of being vulnerable is not a negative one, it's the way you allow yourself to let go of all that came before that moment in time. That hashmark in your timeline of life, where all that is culminating brings you to that point of letting your truest feelings or feeling the tangible reality of who you are and what you want to convey shine through. 

Most people never get to this point in their lives. Some dance around it because the fear of being hurt paralyzes their chances to move forward and find happiness.


This isn't a criticism nor am I an expert. What I do know is personal growth and success comes from many facets. One of those, vulnerability is never one that most people mention or care to talk about.

Look to make it simple, oh dear wide world, vulnerability is an asset to human behavior. It's a quality that most people want. 

For friendships, shit, that's the only way to forge friendships. You have to be yourself and hope that others reciprocate. 

In courting and eventual relationships, it's what you want to have and find in that someone across from you. You want to share with them your stories about high school and crazy late night college stories. You want to hear about the most memorable places he/she has been and how their details make you want to be there too. You want to start feeling that smile creep up on your face and your insides start to burn up with that need to keep talking and find out more....

To be vulnerable....and having the chance to be vulnerable....and sharing vulnerability.......let's be true to the process - we all want it. We just want it in the ways that we are ready to accept it.

Please don't let your fear of vulernability scare you away from sharing yourself and starting a new adventure.

Live life! It's out there for you to take a chance on it.

:Prose writing over::

Moveable Pieces

the world is in constant motion.
my moments speed by a the swipes of my touchscreen.
in the tiny snapshots that my mind wanders to, a sincere smile appears on my face.
my chest warms with vision's clarity
of a futuristic past of present's reality.
the nerves on my skin radiate with its inner energy releasing into my personal space.
prescience of mind tells me to step aside.
i will, if not to cross paths with my former self.

Twenty fifteen - sixteen

This Holiday season was spent enjoying the vacation away from my apartment and from my laboring job. Although not a hushed tone nor mumbled word was said in my direction, (about my less than stellar personal life) I think it added to my brain needing to be freed. Admittedly, I did deeply miss my family and somewhere in the dead zone that is "no man's land" of the interstate I recovered just as the City's radio stations came into tune. What a coincidence.

Thereafter, I brought in the New Year with a coworker. In retrospect, the best decision. New perspective, new ambiance, new outlook on what you are lacking/needing.

Outlooks are your own. Take it, once you move towards one it's yours to lose.
I'm taking it twenty sixteen. Don't let me down.

Hey up there!!

All Call:

What is it with Loud steppers? Floor stompers? Board squeakers? Rock steppers? Good lord. Please stop or change your shoeware.