Is this thing on? 🎙

Does this dusty old thing work? 🎙🎙

I’m teary eyed sitting on the floor of my bedroom realizing that I’m finding myself asking someone to spend time with me. Again. During the holidays. I’m competing with virtual people.  

The last time this occurred, I had a conversation and ended the situation. History may have repeated itself. 

I’ve been battling frustration.

Frustration and stagnancy. Two things I hate together.

I hate that I’m finding myself in a place that I never would have dreamed years ago. I hate that my “old” self has gone dormant to this “forced” adult that is behind this screen. 

I always asked in the past, “when will things be different?”. Of course, we know as people, change starts from oneself; from within. Here as I sit on the floor I ask again, “why do you deal with this?” 

“Because I have to” is my canned response. 

I can peel back this onion another time.

I just wanted the words to float out there…. I feel it, I know it, and I need things to change.

Heading somewhere with a disabled GPS

More often than not, when things change you have to quickly find a way to adjust where you are going.

Which then means, the direction you thought you were heading towards, is shelved to accommodate for a quick turn subject to an unknown destination.

November fumbles.....love crumbles

After months and months, I finally find myself back to the safe space that helped me through some tough times. I appreciate that this space is mine and honor when needed. I also bow my head in writer's shame as I've let it collect dust like my workout clothes and my running shoes.

It comes as no surprise to my "great book" that I'll eventually write that I'm at yet - another crossroads.

In a relationship of over a year, living together about 3 months and change, it has come to a head that my partner did not foresee the relationship being as such. Unbeknownst to they, I have been searching for someone who wants to love me, be with me and grow old with me.

With my story having both my parents suffer and pass from an illness (cancer) and an only child, I find the idyllic image of love and heart-bursting joy - to be something so easy for most but nearly impossible in my life's journey.

They say, most of us are wired for skills and the rest for invention, for whomever is left. Love. Love big. Love entirely. Love to the four winds.


Such a wonderful image.
I'm not saying it's all Hallmark and roses...but I want something.
I aspire for something.
I look up to the stars for something.


So for now, I sit, in a chilly basement bedroom. Watching streaming tv on my phone with two dogs not mine, 1 cat that is mine a grumbling belly and 5 browser tabs open talking about rental places, credit card transfers and the news.

I'm sure I'll come back again tonight.

over the past 72 hours

Every time I allow (myself) my guard to fall and my feelings to surface, I hear my heart crack a bit. The empty ache to feel loved or be the ache in someone else’s heart... makes me sad and tears roll on my cheek. Will I be that for someone? Will I find someone who will show me the love that everyone proclaims is the love you’ll know when you sense it? I await and I hope but my vulnerability ends now.

You again

In the end of my chaotic week, I finally laid my head down to sleep. In the middle of my dream I saw you again. We were a couple. We were in love. We were magnets in magnetic love. We were traveling to a friend's wedding and we were so desperately in love. Your eyes read my heart and your smile cut through my soul. It was the happiest I had ever been and you professed the same.

As I awoke, in one to two blinks, I realized it was You again. It had been so long I almost questioned who you were. You had disappeared from my mind for so long that your return was so familiar, it was seamless and my mind knew it.

Who are you?
Where are you?
Why do you keep coming back over and over again?
Will I meet you soon?
The future is bright... present yourself to me.

Aisle Locking

I saw you today.
I was shocked to see you there.
I was (back) in NYC and I saw you. I still can't believe that I saw you there. Walking with people towards me...it's rare that I remember feelings in the moment that things happen.
But I was not only shocked at the fact that we did the romcom locking eyes thing.
But that we both did the walk past turn back stare .....in synchronistic timing.

I've no idea when I'll see you again, but I love that I saw you again....then again.

See you soon.

Up

As I was walking to my car tonight, I finally got a chance to look up. I miss looking up.
The sky seems so wide and vast. The insignificance of where I was coming from to where I needed to go reminded me of so many things that I was forgetting to do.