Money Misgivings

I was asleep. I was dreaming about how I will be able to make ends meet. I was trying to juggle cc statements and bills and I can recall there being a large purchase that was just made that I was responsible for. My parents were alive and the purchase was for an event or for a show of some sort. I remember feeling absolutely awful because I wasn't able to be home to open my mail and sort things out. Items strewed around the house were in disarray and my mother was trying her best to help out. She had opened my mail. She came to me with a familiar face and began asking me questions about how I was money strapped and if I was able to make payments for the bills that I had. This conversation of course was in Spanish so I could instantly tell her intonation and concern (anger) in her words. I confessed and told her I was worried. I began to cry because I didn't know what to do and I had no idea how/when I'd be able to find a job and make payments. She put her hand on my shoulder and said that it is hard but that something will work out. She just said that I have to be honest with myself and that by working hard something will eventually work out. I cried and smiled some more. She leaned in for a hug. That's when I realized I knew I was dreaming and she wasn't really there. My mother was never really a hugger. I never really felt comfortable giving her hugs until later in her life. She wasn't a cold person, she just carried a strong personality that never outwardly showed her feelings unless it was in an angry or upset way. I never understood that until the end.

While dreaming, I began to think about all the years my mother spent without her mother. No guidance to help in child rearing how she basically had to define the world for herself and settle for what it gave back to her. She worked hard but I often wonder how happy she actually was. I work up thinking I was in tears but wasn't. I woke up feeling worried and realizing that I was in that exact stage with no idea what to do.